crying

damn
i cant stop crying today
i feel so disgruntled
(probably not the right word)
oh well
i feel like im stuck
i need to get out there and help
ok i will
i need to get a job
so many things to do
im 29 and have no idea what i want to do when i grow up
ya i know"you are grownup"
no im not
i feel like a little girl
distracted from all the pretty things in the world
i never had that
pretty things
just bad things
then i got a job
that took away my world
took up all my time
and energy
and beautiful
now im out
and i want to discover
and paint
and play
instead of being stuck indoors with miserable people
misery loves company
i figured that out quick
they bring oyu down
with gossip
and self pity
i hate gossip
pisses me off
trying to hurt someone else
for your own enjoyment
bastards
i used to be one of those people
i hurt many
i wish
i could tell them all that im sorry
make amends
hmmm
maybe now
thru my new found realities
i can do that
send them a hug
in my dreams
because i know now
what it feels
to be on the other side
and it hurts
ok not hurts really but
devastates
breaks your heart
and i dont want anyone
EVER
to feel like that again
i am going to hug now,
every person i see today
theyll thinks im nuts
but i dont care
they probably need it
just like i do

open mouth..insert foot

right in the pit of my stomach
i feel a knot
do you ever open your mouth
only to put your foot in it?
yup
i did that
fucked up my release
the fun thing in my life
ive done it before
being the manic that i am
as soon as you open your mouth
its too late
you can already feel the panic run thru you
will they hate me
will i know they hate me?
my heart is beating so fast
like an anxiety attack is coming on
thinking that writing it down will make it go away
yup its not
a betrayel of trust
god, im so bad at that
maybe its because i always try to make everything seem like a joke
because if i get too serious
i get scared

i am very red right now
not red with excitement
but red with anger
at myself
for being such a dumbass
if id have just kept my mouth shut
i wouldnt feel like this
oh toni, quit dwelling onit
whats done is done
just face the music
and deal with your shit

ok lets talk about rosie

rosie
absolutely amazing rosie
my friends think im becoming obsessed
but im not
really
i just think
"she gets me right frickin here"
(that was an a1 steak sauce commercial back in the day)
she says people tell her shes too young to be going thru menopause
thats crap
all people are different
shes proven that in every way possible
in spiritual years id say shes like 180
the things shes done for other people
would take 5 lifetimes
the changes shes made in other peoples lives
is enormous
okok maybe im just so happy to get to see her pretty face on tv again
that im going overboard
SHUT UP, NO IM NOT!
shes awesome
ok not quite the right word but you know what i mean
ive been working on this collage for her
for 5 years
it was meant to cheer her up
when i thought she was sad
right before the haircut
love love love
my best friend had that haircut when i met him
yes hes gay
it was 1999
anyways
thats why i talked to him
they are so alike in many ways
amazing storytellers
funny
exciting
in every way
i wish they could meet
id have to wear depends(again)
cause i dont know if i could handle
all the love that would be in the room
he could tell her stories
she could tell him
i wouldnt be talking
because id bi in the corner
choking on my crispy creme
and then theyd have to save me
put me in the hospital
because my bladder would be out of control
thank god for depends
(well god didnt invent them, but whoever did thank you)
thank rosies mom
for bringing such a wonderful woman into our lives
thank andrews mom
for bringing me a best friend
they are both now in heaven
for the same reason
and they are watching their kids
and laughing
man, im tearin up
back to happy


thank you rosie
for making these black days brighter
my friend andy is in florida
not far from rosie
and it makes me sad
to think that you are so close
and will probably never meet
that would be the night of a lifetime
for both i think
ok all three if i was there
inspiration would come
things would be changed
if only we could get wubya out
and make peace in the world
or we;d just
have fun with the kids
running on the beach
playing in the sand
id tell rosies kids how much their mother was an inspiration
to us all
even the people that are mean to her
she still means something to them
or they wouldnt bother
(bastards)
oops sorry
got a little mad there
ok ok
this is getting long
but you get the jist
im glad she's back in our lives again
when i dont have my andy here
i have rosie on my computer
and that makes me smile
k now im gonna call andrew
and cry about how much i miss him
and have him make me laugh
wish he was here
crap this was supposed to be about rosie
well, they are almost one in the same
(well except for the penis thing)
ok ok nite

the funny things i see

i picked up my daughter from her dads just now
she was "super"crabby
i thought ..great...
fight to put the coat on
the shoes
carry her to the car
still crying
she's three
it happens
im gettin ready to shut the door to the astrovan( ya i know)
and i accidentally burp
she laughs
then she cries again
remembering shes crabby
we get home
a four minute drive
shes asleep
lots of drool
damn, she must be tired


i took her to the gas station the other day
naked barbie in hand
of course
she sits on the counter
talking to everyone like she knows them
someone tells her her barbie is naked
she says"my daddys naked too"
i hold my breathe, waiting for a response from the ladies of the school board
they laugh
whew, im not a bad mom today


theres carpenters working in my apartment
didnt know they were here yesterday
they let themselves in
i was in the shower
i walk out of the bathroom naked
they see me
one falls off his ladder
lol, sorry, didnt mean to scare you
im leaving
everyday between 9 and 2
till their done


my daughter and i are in walmart
she farts
really loud
really really smelly
what did her dad feed her
i dont know
she yells"mommy say excuse me when you fart"
ohh, im gonna kill her dad

my best friend tells me this story
about his mother who passed away from breast cancer
she was in the kitchen with him
and she farts
it smells really bad
his brother walks up the stairs into the kitchen
and smells
then says
"hey mom, whens the egg salad gonna be done"
i pee'd my pants when he told me that
literally pee'd
his brother got hungry from a fart
love it

my daughter is goin to sleep
i make shadow puppets for her
again im drinking pepsi
so i burp
threw her puppet
she laughs so hard she falls out of bed
"make him toot" "do it again mom"
i love my daughters sense of humor
im pretty sure she gets it from her dad

ive seen lots of funny things
ill remember them and write
but now ive got go
so goodbye for tonite

my princess

look at my princess
http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y197/tonikarger/mybirthday.jpg
isnt she adorable?
she is my life
my air
my breathe
somebody stole my sweater out of the dryer the other day
walmart special
two bucks
but i loved it
perfect to cover the bumps
you know, the rolls that come up over your pants when your pants are too tight
pink with the correct stripes
i got really mad
my daughter waas there.
she now asks everyone evrywhere if they stole my sweater
i love her
she loves me
we are like peas in a pod
almost identicle
except she doesnt have the stress marks on here pretty little face
like i do
my princess
we were going to sleep
i say "goodnight my baby girl"
she says"call me big girl"
i say"goodnight big girl"
she smiles and says"goodnight big mommy"
i love her
on my birthday, i ask her if she wants cake
she tells everyone at the party
"i dont want cake cause im crabby"
geez, wonder where she got that..
i am very irish
so is she
i have a shirt that says"pinch this" right across my breasts
i like it
i think its funny
she sits on my lap and starts to spell it
perfectly
shes barely 3
i know weve taught her her letters
but i must not have been paying attention to how smart she was
cause let me tell you
everyday
she blows me away
i love my princess
i hope she knows that

thw wall is up

im havin a block
emotionally
a wall
i cant feel
i try to get close to people
pullin out all the stops
doin everything i can to help and oblige
we become close
friends even, then
the wall goes up
you all know what that is
dont let anyone in
dont say anything
dont cry
dont feel
then comes the guilt..the wall
i let them in to begin with
let them know me
love me
count on me
them
i dont know why i do it
i know it hurts
its been done to me
its not that i dont care
not at all
i do
and thats the problem
im not sure i want support
if i get it it will eventually go away
father of child..left
mother...left
father...left
friends...left
whats next?
its hard to trust
when in the back of your mind you think it will end
i suck in the boys
bein all sweet and sexy
and funny
lets not forget funny
"she's always there to make us laugh"
then i get scared
and leave
or turn into "the bitch"
because i want to hurt them
before they hurt me
"dont get too close"
"she'll get you right here"
-hand over heart-
damn what is wrong with me
whos makin me laugh
and feel good
noone
because i wont let them
the wall is up
and needs to be bulldozed
theyll try and try
maybe someday
someone will get thru my wall
but until then
i apologize
to all i lead on
into friendship
into love
ill try
with your help
maybe we can do it together
someday
tear down the wall

loves xoxo kisses

i love all of you fellow bloggers
you get me
you listen to the love, the hate, the tears, the laughter
the best friends i ever had
and we've never met
our souls are connected
mostly thru our love for rosie
crazy lady that she is
she'll never know
just how many friendships she's started
just wanting to vent her own feelings
i love that about life
the chains we start
not really knowing we do it
its like that movie...damn i cant remember the name of it
with the little boy
who changed the world
with a school project
to love and to help
damn
with helen hunt
this will drive me nuts
i wanna say around...something
dont you hate that
oh crap, ill remember later
geez, im only 29 and my memory is crap..
ill watch meet the fockers..
maybe thatll jog
anyway my point is
thank you rosie,
the circle has started
maybe we can all use it for some good
not gossip, but connections
to help the kids
and make people laugh
isnt that what were here for?
loves and kisses to you all
xoxo toni

bash things

i am so mad right now
dont know why
a feeling has just come over me
i think im mad at someone
not sure who
myself?
my ex?
a friend?
a stranger?
god?
the feeling is intense
i am redy to cry
tears in my eyes
overwhelming sense of fear
heartache
devastation
i just had a bitrhday party
love the people
felt uncomfortable
very unstable
listening to ani difranco
helps me vent
wish i could sing
i sound terrible, make myself laugh
then i feel mad again
overwhelming fight
want to punch
yell at anyone that will listen
i guess im typing instead
fuck i am so mad
i should run
or cry
but i cant
because my body wont let me
feel an anxiety attack coming on
dont want to have it
afraid people will know
that im crazy for no reason
dont know if this is an up or a down
must be an up because i have energy
im going to paint and paint and paint and sing
and swear and cry and laugh
i have to stop typing
nobody wants to read this
the raving of a crazy woman
who really just needs someone to hold i think
done
cant rave
my life is fine
i have nothing to be mad about
just lonely
and depressed
self pity does bad things to a person
like having them rant about nothing

lover

ever notice how the touch of a lovers hand can make you feel just right
gently sliding your fingers together
slowly cascading into each other
like water coming together at the end of two rivers
making you feel safe and special
at that very moment
even if you dont really know each other
your both in that moment
together
the right time
the same place
feeling the tingles
and the heartbeats the same
the kissing so gentle and sweet
the touch so light and magnetic
like floating above your own body
not believing you could ever feel that good
exposing parts of yourself that noone else will ever see
letting yourself go right in that moment
no embarrassment, no shame
just open and free
letting it all happen
falling to sleep, wrapped in each other
holding his hand
stroking his fingers with your own
you start to fall asleep
so relaxed and comfortable
not a thought in the world
melting inside yourself
then he leaves
leaving you lie there
feeling
like a dirty whore.
i hate one-night stands