mean stupid people

are you afraid people will know the real you?
get too close and they will figure out that you are not as interesting as you pretend to be?
why is it that after you talk to me you turn into such a dick
i sure as hell didnt do anything to offend you
talk to me at 3 in the morning and really see how smart and alert i am
especially if its the first time i ever talk to you

dont be afraid of who you really are
the cool front you put up is easily see-thru as soon as you put a voice to the blog
not as great as i had expected
or as smart

thru your blog
you try to be all high and mighty
i saw thru it
so will they
and after i sign off each night
i forget you
dont think that your all all powerful
because your not
its just a blog
not real life
so get off your high-horse
and really listen to the people that speak to you
thats all they want
a friend
not a phony

my first kiss

i have been wallowing in self pity lately
thinking about what life would have been like if id have taken a different route
i remember this boy
who i thought i would know forever
i felt a connection when we were young
i met him when i was 13
when all the drama started in my life
i was very close to him and his cousin
they were those types of guys that took your breathe away when you spoke to them
unlike anyone i had ever met
both of them so different, yet they touched me so deep i will never forget
they way they made me feel when we would sit and have heart to hearts
most 13 year old boys could not pull of the emotions these boys had
a connection for life and with life
i only knew then for one year
when i moved to my dads
then i was whisked away to treatment and a different life
one of them was my boyfriend for a short time
we talked everyday
about things teenagers dont talk about
we brokeup cause he wanted to see someone else
but one night
on the most beautiful night i will ever remember of may
we played pool at this dumpy poolhall
we went out back for a smoke
we talked very deeply
just as we always had
and he kissed me
for the first time
my whole world stood still
he took my breathe away
weak in the knees
i lose my breathe now
still thinking about it
not everyone gets to experience this feeling
true happiness
i moved away shortly afetr this
but i still felt like i was near him everyday
and the other boy too
they stuck with me
for the last 15 years
8 years ago
i call my cousin
to see how they are
he died the night i called
drug overdose
at 21
i went to the funeral
saw the other boy give the eulogy
he looked at me the whole time
connecting on a level noone else there would ever understand
he came to me after he was done
it had been 7 years since id seen him
we hugged
it was still there
but now
i felt like i was being hugged by both of them at once
he said to me
mike would have been happy to see you
we missed you

i missed them too

last night i looked him up
and wrote him a letter
swallowing my fear
and sent it to him

i have always felt we should be connected in some way for ever
maybe i knew them in a different life
because i dream of them
and i hurt for them
like they were the love of my life
and i missed it

i know this makes no sense
i dont claim to be a writer
i just write what pops into my head
and how i feel
i just ache for them
everyday
and that kiss
was not my first
not my last
but definately the most emotional kiss
i think i will ever experience

rest in peace michael
i will always remember you
"the things that get us in trouble are always the funnest"

not p.g.

I have discovered something
when you are not looking for answers
they hit you in the face

anxiety is underestimated
by all of society
unless you suffer the pain
the shakes and sweats
not catching your breathe

the knot in the pit of your soul
flies out the window
with the music your feeling

out of the blue
you get in the mood
to have raunchy sex
right here and now
how does that happen?
seconds away from a nervous breakdown
and i think about sex
in no way has it ever comforted me
i have never felt safe in anyones arms
14 years in long term relationships
and not ever had that feeling like it was ever enough
not safe
but scared
for the next bout of pain
to be inflicted on my soul
but still
i get scared
and i want to have sex
all the time

i see a strange man
walking down the street
and i think to myself
i wonder what hed be like in bed
will those arms give me comfort?
will he satisfy my greatly underappreciated sexual needs?
wil his dick be so tiny that i wont even feel it?
these are the questions that pop into my head
i know its mean to judge a man solely on his penis size
i know
i know
maybe thats my problem
i have been judging with a closed mind
i always think that i am so open
not judging
but really i am

i have lost control of my thoughts at this point
fuck, i hate when that happens

the accident i was in today
rearended a parked car
because i was having an anxiety attack
not undercontrol
then immediately i think about sex
hmm

too all who were worried
i am ok as of right this minute
drinking enormous amounts of booze
and chainsmoking till i cant breathe
i am ok
i did lose my new job this week
so theres that
but i got my new internet today
wich so far i am happy with
so im sure i will be in a funk in a couple hours
aftre i drink and visit your blogs
leaving drunkin messages
in desperate need of secret decoder rings
ill put in the order right now
cause tonights gonna be a doosey....

will it ever end?

I feel like my life is over
i hate my new job
i throw up every day
i had a one night stand
a couple times
with the same guy
now im late...

the everyday dealing
with my emotions
has gone awry

i make no sense

overwhelmed with regret
should have kept my legs shut
my mouth too
fucking up chances of friendships
because i like to talk

its not about being a gossip
not one bit
its about sharing my feelings
with someone i thought was a close friend
someone to keep my dirty little secrets
but she didnt
friendship over
before it began

i am late
i am scared
im gonna throw up again

i saw a bumper sticker once
"stupid people shouldnt breed"
im thinking of a new one
"bypolars shouldnt either"
our love is too intense
for eveyone else
they dont understand
the passion scares them off
add baby in belly
magnafied by 1000
i am too intense for myself
and for you too

i am sorry she told you
i just needed a friend
to keep my secrets too
i couldnt do it alone
a crazy never can