shaded

my eyes are adjusting
to the light in my life
blurry for 29 years
starting to see the stars
something seeps thru the clouds
is it good or evil?

keeping my legs closed for a while
aids test on monday
forgot to use a condom
"forgot"
right

not a whore
just stuck in someone elses life
my mind is not mine
my feelings are shut off
i need to turn them back on

my contribution to half nekkid thursday
my first time
pictures capture me
in my moment of thought
not easy to look at the screen
when your own face is look back at you
i put on a mask
to cover my shallow eyes


agony

defeat


deception


fear


rage

i do not want to be looked at
i want to hide in my head
fighting with my demons
please dont judge me
i made a mistake
please dont make it fatal
my baby needs a mommy
give me one more chance

all shall be redeemed
in due time

how am i going to deal with college?

First day of school EVER!
I cant stop crying
I feel a massive PMS attack is coming on
Typing my blog in a puddle of tears

Outside, severe thunderstorm and tornado watch
I wonder where the shelters are in her school
do the teachers know the drill
will my baby be scared
does she miss me?

i have had 15 impulses to pick up the phone and call her at school
im sure they wouldnt let me talk to her
then theyd hang up and laugh

i miss my princess boogerface
i hope she misses her dramaqueen of a mother...



dance my little baby
dance
(she's doing the robot for me btw,)

keep your pants zipped babe

i cant sleep with you anymore
because you will fall in love with me

i dont want to hurt you

i can see it in your silent eyes
it has already begun
the shared secrets
the sneaky touch

i have tried this before
to have an unattached "friendship"
sex without feelings

i can pull it off
because i have closed myself off to emotion
i pretend its not real
its just a game

but i am sweet
and kind
i would do anything for you
even if you were a stranger
thats just how i work

youll take it to be love
and ill take it to be passion
and youll get hurt
because i will shut down

i cant fall for you
i cant fall for anyone
the risk is too great

if i hurt
my baby hurts
and she doesnt need to see me cry

ive been doing it for a while
closing up
15 years of faking that i wanted love
rape will do that to you
pretend your happy
so it will just go away

he didnt know he was falling
until he left me
he felt it then
his heart broke
a million peices shattered
right into my conscious
he cant find love
because he sees me everyday

the first one did it too
tried not to get attached
he didnt realize the impact i had
until i was gone forever from his life
he knows now
he gave up the best thing that ever happened to him
his best friend
he told me that recently
"im sorry i hurt you,
you didnt deserve that"
no i didnt
and im not sure that he deserved to be forgiven
but im a good girl
filled with love and not hatred
and i forgave
now he knows
i was the only one that could have made him happy

you watched me dance
i saw you smile
you turned quickly so i wouldnt catch you looking
you pretend were just friends
but i know you feel more
and that is why i cannot sleep with you again
you will get used to my touch
follow the rythme of my dreams
calm me when i wake in a sweat
thinking you need to stay to comfort me
listening to me tell you my innermost thoughts
and realizing
im not the girl i portray at the bar
but a passionate artist and mother
and you will love me

i will feel it coming
actually, i already do
and i will make it awkward
so you will leave
you will try to stay
to be near me
to love me
be with me always
and i will push you away

you make me laugh
you get me
your touch gives me chills
im interested in what you are saying
(when your not showing off to get attention)
you already have it
i will be your friend
because i like having you around

but i will fucking break your heart
because i always do
men and women cant be friends
not in my world