dead people i dont know

so crazy as i seem
they come to me
people i know who have passed
my soul mate friend mike
visits me in my dreams
telling me to find someone
the night he died
i hadnt seen him in 8 years
things just happen
and people fall away
but i had been thinkin about him alot
so i called a family member that lived close to him
hey, look him up for me will you
i had a crazy dream about him last night
i actually had dreamt that he died
but she already thinks im crazy so i didnt tell her that
3 hours later i get a phone call
he died last night
of a drug overdose
i knew it
i saw him in my room
its been 8 years since then
and i still feel him here

im very in tune
with the other side
at first it scared me
but not now
now i feel special
and safe

i was riding with my boyfriend
home from a bad weekend
rain pouring down
the road jet black
a shortcut we had never taken
i start to panic
anxiety override
i see a man
standing in the middle of the road
2 in the morning
wearing a full carhardt getup
i try to talk to tell him to stop
i couldnt get out a breathe
i froze
we drove right thru him
he looked about 89
and overworked
but ok
and safe
my boyfriend notices im not breathing
so i tell him
and he stops
and turns white
the spot in the road
where we drove thru the man
was directly between
a church
and a cemetery

another encounter
wih a lost soul
in a new apartment
i feel the vibe
of someone lost
all the time
my daughter is nine months
learning to walk
she holds her hand up high
like someone is holdin it
and babbles
like shes talking to someone
i notice
she notices
the things i do
when i feel a presence
i tell my mother in law
about the visitor i think i hve
not knowing if shell think im nuts
she understands
as always she does
i love her so much
but thats not the point
she tells me her husband
who was the coroner for 30 years
in my town
took the body
of an elderly woman
out of my apartment
many years ago
so i did a spell
(trin out wiccan)
to cast her away
to the place she needs to be
and not stuck with us
she leaves shortly after the spell
but not before
she teaches my daughter how to walk
i thank her
for having the patience i didnt
and for keeping us safe
from the evil spirit that lived upstairs
in my daughters room
there lurked a black soul
we never slept in there
it was a toy room
but i knew it was there
i could feel it everyday
and she kept us safe
and i thank her everyday

i have many more
stories to tell
ill write them all down
and share with you soon
but for now
i will snuggle
with my sunshine
named maddie
my little soulseer
just like her mommy

dead people i know

im drinking away
cause that what i do
when i think about those
that i once knew
(crap that wasnt supposed to rhyme)

so illl tell you some stories about the loved ones i miss
and also
about the ones i see
when im not really looking

beleive if you want
my friens will tell you they are true
they will tell you
the look on my face
when i see someone i knew

i guess it started when i was young
seeing someone die
right before your eyes
its very spiritual
for lack of a better word
ive always had the feelings
the chills
the hair standing up
but not until i lost so many friends
to tragic accidents
that i started to see them standing in front of me

i have frequent migranes
and one long summer night at a party
i took too many darvocet
boyfriend took me home
to put me to bed
sweet boy he was then
he opened my door
from my bedroom to outside
(never left it open before that night)
he went home to get his things
to come back and take care of his baby
and when he was gone
i fell asleep
i felt someone watching
so i opened my eyes
to see a dark featured man
standing at the end of my bed
i wasnt scared
so much as i was spooked
i said to him"what are you doing here"
he looked into my eyes
turned around
and kinda floated out the door
i think it might have been the drugs
the reason i didnt see feet
but, he drifted away
no sound
nothing
i shut and locked the door
and then i screamed
my poor roomate
(poor because he lived with a crazy bypolar)
called the cops
no sign of a person there
hmm
so we went to bed
the next day
a friend who reads taro cards
came to give us some readings
in my bedroom...
he knew nothing of the night before
and tells me
that a dark featured man
stays in my house
to protect his little toni
from bad people

i heard the next day
that someone was hurt
in my neiborhood
the night of my friend
i got up and shut the door
because thats where he was
he wanted me to do that
i firmly believe
so i would be safe
from the bad man that lurked

i think its my george
a close friend that was killed
just a mere month b4
he was native american
dark features
strong build
he saved me from bad men
at the bar
many times
i think he's still watching
and protecting
if you are george
you are not forgotten
i still feel you
when you visit me

it was 5 years ago this week
that we lost you
and when i drive by the ditch where you took your last breathe
i still get a tear
and take a deep breathe
and feel your warmth
i miss you

one thing i forgot to mention
the night of the tarot
two friends
at the same time
saw a dark figured man
in the mirror of my bathroom
neither said anything that night
it was months later
that at seperate times
they both told me the same story
unbenounce to each other
they both saw george watching out for me
in my mirror
and in my face

busy, busy, busy

im getting sick of this life
all this crap running through my head
ive been depressed for days
the cycle has started again
this time its bad
really bad

i have no escape
for my mind
no lovers
no friends
in my head i block them out
dont answer calls
dont shower
( ya i know)
havent been eating
no appetite
because im having
15 chubby days in a row

it started when i lost my job
one year ago
lost so many friends
even the enemies i miss
just having people around me
would make me at least have a fake smile
i still felt lonely
but it was different
i couldnt cry when i wanted
now i can
i am isolated now
sitting in my apartment
withthe phone off the hook
sitting on the damn computer
reading sad stories
and dodging instant messages
because today
i hate people
( ok i dont really hate people)
im really a sweet girl
when i want to be
im just mad right now

ive been looking for a job
looking for a life
driving my three year old crazy
with my ranting and raving
about how she needs to do things perfectly
i am obsessive compulsive
she really doesnt need to do them perfectly
but in my head i think she does
i dont want her to end up like me
crazy and alone
im surprised i dont have 47 cats
they would eat me alive
because id forget to feed them
like i forget to feed myself
how am i fat?
if i forget to feed myself
who knows
god, do you have my answer?
of course you dont
your busy
with peolpe that really need you
like my mommy
how is she by the way?
shes been to busy to call
shes doing worse than i am
with her depression
at the end of her rope
standing in front of a black hole
ready to jump in
and in spirit
im standing beside her
ready to take the plunge
into a reality
where employers call you back after an interview
bastards
dont they realize...
no they dont
nobody wants to hire crazy people
hmm..
ive been called crazy more than once this week
maybe theres something to it
fuck no
(oops sorry for that)
but really
im just colorful
back to my usual red
looking for those who are yellow
to brighten my day
my madeline
my yellow
my sunshine
i will not jump
into the black hole
for you
i will go on
and pretend to be happy

on with my busy busy life....

huh?

i feel like im gonna throw up
i googled myself
cause someone told me to
found out this site comes up
first and foremost
so anyone who would ever try to find me
will find this
oh crap!!!
i thought this would be a great emotional outlet
for people i dont know
crap!
well i guess evryone will now see it
i do it all the time
google people that is
people i haent seen in 115 years
just to see what their life is like now
if anything shows up that is
interesting thing
this computer thing
i coulndt figure out anything for the longest time
now im all frickin over
reading sad things
making new friends
making new enemies
making new loves
derek derek derek derek
ok babe
now i said it
you wanted to be in a blog
now you are
k now that thats done

ok why i feel sick
i dont know
got some bad news yesterday
about my mom
hysterectomy( i know i didnt spell it right)
who fuckin cares
i dont
anyway
i wanna be there with her
the whole time
when they take her woman parts out
hold her hand
kiss her tiny fingers
when i was little
she used to check my head for lice
cause thats what paranoid parents do
i loved it
she had the best fingernails
scratchin my head
i used to pretend i thought i had lice
just so shed scratch my head
i miss her from then
shes so different now
the world has gotten to her
shes trying to put all her faith in god
but im not sure she actually is
she says it all the time
"toni, ask god, he willl help you"
well fuck!
why isnt he helping her
she needs something right now
more than i have to give
a miracle
a knock on the head
who knows
i sure as fuck dont
i do believe that there is something else out there
to help us when we need it
WHERE ARE THEY NOW??????
well that is for another blog
this one makes no sense
im just typing to keep myself busy
because i feel a manic coming on
im sure ill be back tonite to write more after this spell
fuck who knows
i might get drunk and come back and write about ho wi think i can see dead people