my mommy

the woman that gave birth to me
is in alot of pain
from the moment i came out of her womb
shes been crying
she has manic depression
diagnosed at 17
in the treatment center right aftre she had me
she has not dealt with it very well
nor have i
i went sent to a foster home
at nine months old
so she could get better
didnt work
she got married years later
to someone i would call dad
and years later i would find out he wasnt
living in this lie
i think it was killing her
well not killing, but not helping
two more kids
then divorce
i tried to make it work
they were too young
i went to foster care
they went to dads
married again
this one just failed
he left her on tuesday
failed
failed
thats all she hears

my mom is not a failure
shes a beautiful woman
with a very yellow soul
to make up for things gone bad
she shops
and shops
and shops
and shops
for everyone she knows
her house is like a warehouse
filled with beautiful thoughtful pictures and trinkets and clothes
for everyone she knows
the chiropracter
her doctor
the neighbor
and us
she thinks this will make up
for a life gone awry
thats not what i want
i want her
to be happy
and healthy
and stable
to focus her love
on her kids and grandkids
for the time she has left
she is not very well
this time its not the depression
i think its worse
her body is worn out
down to 89 lbs
bleeding internally
she cant eat
or stay awake
no money to pay the medical bills
she says
the bleeding wont stop
its coming from her uterus
from where i am from
but it feels more like from her heart
she hurting
from her heart
and i cant help her
because she wont let me
so ill just keep trying
and love her
when her heart is broken

so for mothers day
my nephew is here
from missouri
she doesnt know
i will surprise her
because i love her
the giver of my life
my mommy
i love you

chubby days

yesterday i worked out for three hours
ate one meal
200 calories
felt guilty for eating
i wish there was a way to just not eat till you lose what you need to
why is ffod such a priority?
why do i love it?
anything salty
mmmm....
so i worked out to get rid of the calories
weighed myself,
which i do everyday
hmmm..
the scale says i lost 4 more lbs.
weird
i cant see the difference
other people claim they can
i think they just dont wanna piss me off
or just want something

i have those days
when i feel fatter than the day before
even when i was thin i did
i think its more depression than weight
or the weight turning into depression
who knows
i just know i have them
i call them chubby days
when nothing can go right
and all the world is looking at you
without their rose colored glasses
but with"shes fat " glasses
i hate those days
its enough to drive you to drink
which is what i usually do when i hav those days
not good
liquor has alot of calories
so i feel good when im drinking it
then the next day
when im hungover and cant open my eyes
i feel fat again
so for weeks
all the chubby days seem to run together
cause its a vicious cycle
the booze
the weight
the depression
the being lonely and eating because you are lonely
then being alone because you eat
geez, when will it ever end
but then their comes a person
who in your wildest dreams you thought could never make you feel good
or give you a compliment
and he does
and its the truth
and from the heart
and it breaks the cycle
and you are happy
thank you steve
for giving me my child
for being my friend
for complimenting me when you only mean it
for breaking up with me
and still remaining my friend
for sticking up for me when people talk shit
and for putting up with 6 years of chubby days
you are truly and wonderful man

ok, im off to work out....

ani difranco

listening to ani
feeling sad
a friend is in trouble
i hurt for him
dont know if i can help
my pain runs so deep
not sure if i can make him smile
im trying
not to cry
i felt the same way about him
a long time ago
its easy to relate
to the pain

staying up till all hours
shaking from the fear
not knowing
thats the worst part
the not knowing
if their cheating
or just 18 hours late

feeling helpless
from everything in your life
because it has revolved around them
for too many years

dont know how to think on your own
cant face your friends
it could have been them
that he was sleeping with
all the secrets
and the lies
they tangle all up into each other
they cant keep them straight

you start to pick up on it
the late night hangups
the secret codes

i heard them all
they made me sick

shaking so bad you cannot drive
or walk
or talk
or breathe

you go over it in your head
does he love her?
is he sleeping with her?
am i just here to pay the bills?

cant sleep
cant work
cant eat
cant look at anything
without it reminding you of them

you finally see it
them with someone else
the gut
the feeling
like a fisherman just took a knife to your gut
and dug out your whole life
it feels like your end

if your lucky
like i was
you can get away
with help from friends
packing up your things for you
because you dont want to do it
it hurts so bad
your end

cant get away from the constant feeling
that something is missing
from your world
not so much missing
as ripped out
and stomped on

but it got better
when i got away
all the memories
fading away
the crying stops
the nervousness in the pit of your stomach
goes away
wondering what their doing
and who their with
slowly dwindles
as you step into your new life
new friends
new hangouts
new jobs

but someday theyll come back
not wanting you back
but wanting your comfort
help from their own pain

im trying to help
but slowly the memories are coming back
and its hard to help
someone that tore out your life

so i listen to ani
she makes me feel
there is not a word to describe
how i feel
when i listen to her pain
its just there
like she understands me

this is my life

"not a pretty girl"
i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do
i aint no damsel in distress
and i dont need to be rescued
so put me down punk
wouldnt you prefer a maiden fare
isnt there a kitten
stuck up a tree somewhere

i am not an angry girl
but it seems like ive got everyone fooled
everytime i say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger and never to their own fear

imagine your a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they prefer you were dirty
and smiling

well i am sorry
i am not a maiden fare
i am not a kitten
stuck up a tree somewhere

what if there no damsels in distress
what if i knew that
and i called your bluff

dont you think every kitten
firgures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up

i am not a pretty girl
i dont really wanna be a pretty girl
i wanna be more than a pretty girl


because of ani, i am a stronger woman
i will get thru this
and help him
he feels about her
how i felt about him
and its killing him
like it almost did me
be strong and breathe
cause ill be there with you the whole time
trying to make you smile