i have no faith (i mean no offence to those that do)

this is my church
it is 150 years old
it burnt down yesterday
and i dont feel bad
here's why

5 generations of my family have been baptized,first communion, married and buried here

but not me
i did nothing here
i was a bastard child

Archbishop Roach died of heart failure Friday at the age of 81. His body is dressed in gold-colored vestments and wears a shawl-like white pallium made of pure lambswool which was bestowed on him by the pope when he became archbishop in 1975. (MPR Photo/Art Hughes)

this man
archbishop john roach
appointed by pope john paul in 1975
my great uncle
my blood
my "family"
refused to baptise me

because i was a bastard child.


my mom and dad
very much in love
16 years old
got pregnant
(im in her belly in this picture)
(and also in this one)

archbishop roach
giving my mom first communion
with me in her belly
he didnt know
he soon found out
he was asked to baptise me
seeing as we shared the same blood
my grandmothers brother
he refused
i was a bastard child
so father eret did it


in this church
that burnt down yesterday

my whole family watched
as this historical monument burnt to the ground
and cried
this is where archbishop started out
in our hometown
but wouldnt baptise me

but he did this

July 12, 2003

John Roach

Archbishop John R. Roach, who led the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis for two decades, died Friday of heart failure. He was 81.

Roach graduated from the Saint Paul Seminary School of Divinity in 1946, and was ordained the same year. He worked as the parish priest of Saint Stephen, in Minneapolis, taught for a while and then became headmaster of Saint Thomas Academy.

Fourteen years later, Roach founded the Saint John Vianney Seminary and served as its first rector. He also received the first Saint Paul Seminary Lifetime Achievement Award.

In 1975, Pope Paul VI appointed Roach to lead the archdiocese. He was the first Minneosta native to do so. During his tenure, Roach was arrested for drunken driving and for mishandling the clergy sex abuse cases in the 1980s. Roach served until his retirement in 1995.

Posted on July 12, 2003 07:41 PM

but he could not baptise me
or be part of my life

my dad left when i was four days old
the marines
he was put in jail the night i was born
for stealing a car
they gave him a choice
jail or vietnam
he picked the war
and he left


i did not see him again until i was 14
did not know who he was
when he returned from the marines
i was 4
ten years
in the same small town
i did not know him
i still do not know him
i will not allow him into my life
him and my mother have passed thiss desease onto me
and i can only deal with one of them at a time

why would you leave this?


tell me that
why is it my fault that my parents werent married?

i have no faith in a religion
that will not take care of their own family
but will get DWI's
and support child molesters
i will not
i refuse
"thou shalt not kill"
should not be on the same list as
"thou shall honor thy mother and father"
what if your parents desert you?
do you still have to honor them?
cause i sure as fuck dont!

i am sorry if i have offended anyone today
this is how i fell about my so called "religion"
i cannot feel bad that the church burnt down
in my eyes
the catholics are evil
and i would give money and support
to a religion
that abuses their own
and neglects their babies
because of something their parents did
i wont beleive

all might not be lost

my hope is lost
ive been crying for days
sleeping and not wanting to wake up

im not sure its ever going to happen again
no, im sure its not

i need so stop watching"the notebook"
thinking that true love exists

that we could love each other so much
to die in each others arms

that doesnt happen in real life
it doesnt

ive stopping beleiveing
(still cant spell beleive)

my hope is lost

ive not been in my body for days
i feel like ive been wayching this life from far away

renting it out for another one night stand
waking up to an empty bed
not knowing if what i did the night before really happened

it did
i have a sore crotch and a hickey to prove it

on a plane he went
never to be seen by my eyes again
just like the rest
out of sight, out of mind

but not really

i am so lost

im trying so hard to stay awake everyday
to play with my princess
i lay down to take a short nap
and the whole day is gone

she wakes me up to tell me she's hungry
i get up and feed her
she tells me to read her a story
i dont have the energy
i tell her i will later
then i forget
she goes to sleep
waits for me to lay down next to her
i do
then i sleep
all night and most of the day

i need to break this depression
its hurting her feelings
she thinks i dont love her

i didnt take her on the bikeride i promised today
i was too tired to go anywhere

if i do it ill feel better
i know i will
but mustering up the strength to get out of bed
is too much
it hurts

twas ten years ago today i lost both of my knees
crashed a corsica into a streetsweeper
things would have gone differently
had i opened my eyes
i closed them and crashed

life altered

im gone
im sorry

fuck!!!
i cant stop thinking about someone
no sex involved
just hand holding
sweet sensitive boy
where the fuck did you go?
what could have been
between us
intelligent

im all over the place again
thoughts interupted by a phone call
(thank you maybe...)

now i cant concentrate
cause i have to pee.