why, oh why lilred?

You may be asking yourselves
"what stupid drunken induced antics have you pulled now lilred?"

well, since you all wanna know, I will tell you
(in between vomiting, that is)

last night i went see "walk the line"
with my fabulous friend sarah

all went well, the movie was frickin awesome
and her husband was home with her baby so we decided to go have a few drinks

we decide to go to a different bar than our usual swilling stop
and go to a small family owned sportsbar

not much going on there
a group of drunkin bookclub women
two lesbians playin on the gamemaker machine
and seven men (all dressed in minnesota ice-fishing attire)
sitting across from us at the bar

we belly-up
chat for a while
good music
great ambiance

the bookclub women leave
and the boys start to get obnoxious

they start chatting with us
singing our choice tunes
(ice, ice baby...oops i did it again...weezers"sweater song" and so on)

sarah and i start doing our "coordinated arm movements"
to the beat of the music
and...i get out of my chair to do a round-off into the splits

cripes, what was i thinking?

lude comments are made, fun is had and sarah has to go home
so i take her

but, but oh, lilred was having alot of fun
so she went back
BIG MISTAKE

i get back to the bar
they are very happy to see me
we start doing shots
lots of shots
lots of drinks
lots of video bowling
(dont ask)


they ask me my name
i tell them "bitch"
one of them says
"didnt you go to -insert my high school name here-?"
(my high school is an hour and a half away from this town)
i look across the bar
there is a guy i went to school with a bajillion years ago
he is now a cop in my new town
huh
well, he comes over says hi
we talk about friends from years ago
murders, prison, babies...

i continue getting shots
drinking drinks
getting hit on by his friends
and i ask him how he knows these men

they are all cops

4 state patrolmen
3 local cops

im wasted

fun,fun,fun
i hear"show me your tits lilred"
i yell back"show me your dick first loser"
well, he did
and another and another....

oh god, what have i done?

"now its your turn sweetthing"

fuck

i say "i dont wanna show you my body cause youll see my flabby belly"

"ya, we dont care, show us your tits"

fuck

i say" ive had a baby and they are not as beautiful as they once were"

"dont care lilred, show us, we showed you"

crap

shirt up, bra off

boobs shown

hoots and hollars
crazy loving-like looks from the lesbians
invitations to go home with the boys

i throw my shirt on
jacket, hat, mittens, scarf..
run like hell out of the bar

on my way out i hear
"she'll never get another ticket in this town"


so, the moral of my story here is
do not wear this shirt


drink this shit


and go into a bar by yourself with a bunch of drunkin cops



lunch for the next three days

at least i never have to worry about speeding or parking tickets again..

Introducing Andrew!

the victim of my faghagness for over 5 years now

love him
rub him
squeeze him

daddys present

i bought this for my dad
think he will like it



im pretty sure he will