an explanation of her life

She ran down the hall fighting back tears
shoved thru the bathroom door
locked herself in the last stall
rest her head on the toilet and sobbed.
the kind of sobbing that leaves you gasping for air
and an uncontrollable trembling throughout your entire being...

The were a match made in junior high heaven
she was a cheerleader and he was a jock
they were the most popular kids in their grade and everybody loved seeing them together
they spent their nights at parties and walked each other home
always ending with a passionate kiss on the front step.

the night after a victorious homecoming game
the group of friends celebrated by sneaking some beers and wine coolers at a friends house where the parents were away
they partied till everyone left
and they were finally all alone,
so in the hot tub they went.

In the hot tub they started kissing and had some heavy petting
their bodies were hot and their heads were spinning from the booze
so instead of stopping him at third base
she let him go all the way

she was trembling from the nerves and excitement
she had been looking forward to this since the first day he walked into math class
she knew he was the person she wanted to spend her life with
even though she was just 13
she just knew

he was very gentle with her and gave her sweet kisses to calm her down
he reassured her they were doing the right thing
it hurt more than she expected
but she kept going
it was what he wanted

all of the booze and the whirling of the hot water made her feel nauseous
she asked him to stop because she was feeling sick
so he let her go
she jumped up out of the water
but threw up all over the side of the gazebo
she was so embarrassed and hoped he hadn't seen her
but when she looked up
he was wearing a cold grin

she grabbed her clothes
put them on behind the gazebo
and ran home

when she got home she thought about
how what was supposed to be the most memorable experience of her life
went horribly wrong
and she cried herself to sleep
one of many to come
still coming in her 30's

when she woke the next morning she had a terrible headache
and was trying not to think of the horrible dream she had just had
she stepped onto the pile of wet clothes next to her bed
and she remembered it was not a dream.
her stomach turned
her heart started racing and she wanted to throw up again
but she had to go to school
so she calmed herself down
took a shower
and headed off for the bus stop
but there was no one there so she started walking

she got to school a few minutes late and was the last person in homeroom.
when she walked in the door
all the students were whispering to each other
her friends since kindergarten
were laughing

she wondered what this was about and why the teacher hadn't settled them down
as the class had already started.
she then looked to her best friend and mouthed "whats going on"
and her best friend
who clearly saw her
looked away

she noticed none of her other friends would make eye contact either
then she thought they were talking about her
she knew she was just being paranoid
until she caught his gaze he had that cold smile on his face
an at that point she knew
he told them all
and they WERE talking about her

her face got red
her stomach queasy
she was so furious
she just wanted to punch him right in the face

she started walking to her desk when the teacher stopped her
she was sent home for the day so that the class could discuss the rumors that were circulating about her

she wanted to cry
right then and there
but she held back her tears as she grabbed her backpack and walked out the door
she could hear clapping and cheering behind her
as she ran down the hall to her safe place

on the walk home she was so overcome with emotion
she rehearsed all the things she wanted to scream at him
and she wondered how all of her friends could turn their backs on her
especially when she needed them the most
she couldn't talk to her mother
she was barely home and wouldn't understand anyway

She never stepped foot in that school again
she talked her mom into letting her transfer to the alternative school
when she found out the teacher had sat the class down to talk about what a bad person she was
and to not talk to her again
she was humiliated and vowed to never talk to those "friends" again
and she never did

a few years later she was sitting in her "safe school"
in he walks
a new student

as soon as she laid eyes on him her face flushed with anger
her heart beat rapidly as all the memories flooded her mind and again she felt as if she might throw up

she was a very good student in this new school
and was very well liked by students and teachers alike
she was comfortable and safe
so when she asked the teacher to get him out
they didn't hesitate
he was dis enrolled that day

about a year later as she was browsing thru the local paper
she noticed his name mentioned on the front page
she turned to the story and read that his girlfriend stabbed him in self defense and that his funeral was on Thursday

she knew she needed closure
so she went to make amends
in her own spiritual way

she walked into the funeral home
dressed in her very best
and went straight to the coffin
she looked at his pretty face
and spit right on it

when she walked away
she turned to her "friends" in the front row
and mouthed "good riddence"

over the next 15 years
she has had dozens of one night stands
and failed relationships
searching for something she is not quite sure she will ever find
maybe that perfect "first time" will take away the "brand" he left on her heart

she is still looking