crush

feeling butterflies in my tummy
because the crush is back
im seeing him tonight
he's single now
after being engaged for 5 years
but flirted with me for two of them
i backed off because i knew there was someone else
and i cant bring myself to sleep with someone whos taken
its wrong
to deceive
and cheat
i tend to get emotionaly involved
witht he people i sleep with
and that is not good
when their heart belongs to someone else
i dated a married man once
for 7 months
until i found out he was married
and also sleeping with two of my coworkers
lets just say
some shit went down
i am not a woman to be reckless with
my heart does not forgive very easily
and i get very angry
and i am very creative
in the revenge department
he will never cheat again
i tell you that much
actually, im not even sure he could ever use his dick again

back to the crush
i have never understood
how you can have such intense feelings
for someone you barely know
i barely know him
yet i sometimes think that he is right for me
in so many ways
different things come out of me
depending on who im with
not like im being a poser
some people bring out different traits in me
sometimes i didnt even know i had them
passion for shared things
brings you closer together

like did you ever notice
when your around someone who is a gossip
you either think really lowly of them
or you join right in
its not that you want to
it just happens
they bring it out of you

i can talk to some people about my true passion
and not ever worry that they will judge
and others
you clam up
because they WILL judge

he is not shallow
even if its nothing more than a crush
it will be a good friendship
i can feel it
because he is now allowed to have friendships with women
and open up
and be himself

its like a disguise
a relationship
it shelters who you really are
when you are insecure
you take on the role of your significant other
and lose who you truly are
and when its over
because you turned into someone else
you find out who you truly are
and now
after many years of searching
i am
who i was
truly meant to be


i know my writing is all over the place
it just how it comes into my head
if its hard to understand
then thats how i see it too
jumbled in the corners of my mind
trying to peice it together like a jigsaw puzzle
doing the outside first
the matching the colors
and pieceing out the middle
one aspect of life at a time
when i bring it together
i will be lost
without chaos

i swear to freakin god!

ever get something in your head and you are so determined to do it that nothing is gonna stop you?

i have to play 18 holes tomorrow and work a breast cancer tournament and i have been sitting here for two freakin hours trying to figure out how to add links. it is driving me ccrazy...and seriously, i think i might be having a manic phase right now because i do not forsee sleep in my future.

and i swear to god i am seeing things.
while i was writing that last paragraph something just flashed next to me and i am in my dark bedroom and noone is here but my daughter who is sleeping next to me.

if anyone wants to know what its like to be bipolar..come sit in my house for the next few days because youll really get to see what its like.

im hearin shit and seeing shit and i swear to god this world is going to come to an end if i do not figure out this link business...

yes i am fuckin crazy

oh and by the way, i would say this in a nice cryptic way, but i dont feel like it today, so here goes

fuck all you assholes that are here just to be mean to other people
if you dont like my blog or anyone elses that you read and leave mean nasty comments on, then dont fuckin read them!
i am sick to death of you trying to put me and other poeple down. its childish and, oh fuck that, just grow the fuck up!

and yes i know i swore alot today, but i dont fuckin care. im mad and (in the words of my ex-mother in law, who never swears except when she has to) it fuckin feels good to swear!

i know my posts arent intellectual or always deep with meaning, but i dont care. i write what i feel like writing and if you assholes(you know who you are) dont like it, then stick it up your ass HARD WITH NO LUBE!

ok, im done.

(sorry, to the nice people that visit, i dont mean to offend you)

christopher

so i was talking to my friend chris last night
we were discussing my love for ani difranco
when he asked me if she was still a lesbian
i said, hmm, i think shes bi
and he then remembered me reading to him how she has had like 37 abortions
and he said to me
"id be surprised if her vagina still works"


he actually said vagina to me!
well, needless to say, i had to get up and run to the bathroom so i didnt piss myself(hey women can say piss right?)

well, he was linked to my site and he is trying to make up his own now so you will all get to meet him. the man who makes me piss myself on a daily basis with his,"im not really joking" humor.

he needs a name
hes very creative, but for some reason he thinks he needs the perfecrt name
any suggestions?

he said it had to mean something to him, so here are some of his like and dislikes

dislikes:
snakes
bridges
me
talking about menstration
me waking hiom up in the middle of the night to tell him theres a bat in my room
waking him up and telling him theres a ghost in my room
also, he despises when i misspell(so i do it on purpose to drive him nuts)

likes:
peanut butter, banana baseball in the middle of the street at 3 a.m.
watching me make an asss of myself
gambling
bingo
my cooking
singing bonjovi into beer bottles at our favorite pub
getting drunk and floating down the river on a tube
watching me float away on the tube because they have untied me for being too obnoxious
poker
movies that he pretends dont effect him when he' with me then he watches them at home(i know you cry later)(how could you not cry aftre watching simon birch??)

ok, that enough for now.
help me think of a name for him will ya??

(i think it should be dimples, cause when he drinks he gets this shit-eating grin with big dimples)

a night in the nightlife of lilred...

this has been a tough week for me.
family stuff
money stuff
job stuff

so last night i went out with my gays
and heres how it went.....



just getting our first drink



meeting some friends



getting sassy



giggle fit(even though he wasnt that funny)



more drinky drinky



no explanation



silly girl who refuses to smile for the camara



hmm, whats he about to do??



i dont know what i just drank but it was tasty



yup, pretty sure he just did a body shot off my naughty parts

picture of me passed out in the parking lot on the broken glass not available

picture of me throwing up also not available

picture of me crawling thru my own vomit not available


last night i thought was going to be the last day of my life.
when i passed out on the way to the car, i scared alot of people who care about me. i could hear them checking to see if i was alive. i could feel them pick me up and put me in the car. i could hear them talking.
i could not respond to any of this. i felt like i was in a coma. i could hear, but i could not talk or move on my own. i was thinking that i would not live thru this. i was scared, having an anxiety attack, not being able to catch a breath. i was lucky i have alot of good friends that are willing to give up their sex for the night(which for my gay friends is very hard to do) to take care of their lil princess.
i will not be doing this to them or to myself again.
dont get me wrong, i will drink again, but i will have limits.
this was no fun for me or anyone involved. i dont even remember half of the night or most of today. my brain feels shutdown.
i think i may have really done some damage..

somehow, for some reason, i did not sleep alone last night.
dont get me wrong, i did not break my "no more one-night stand " vow.
but a very nice man took care of me, bathed me, fed me and helped me to bed and never tried to be crude, just very polite. to you, whoever you are, thank you. my faith in sweet men is now restored.

today i found out that someone was feeding me drugs on sunday night. opium as far as we can tell. i still feel like hell today and havent eaten since sunday morning. i have never blacked out like this from alcohol and i thought it pretty odd that i would now. well, now i know why.

gays have no tolerence for unstylish fag hags

so, if any of you heard
today was supposed to be"side pony-tail day"
well, that didnt so much work out for me and heres why.

90 percent of my male friends are gay
i got thru about ten minutes of my day before i run into my best friend andrew
(you know a mans gay when he makes you say his full name..also see:matthew, jonathon, benjamin, etc.etc.

ok, he pulls up next to me at the gas station, look sat me in my car, pulls away and drives home. calls me and says if i ever do that to him again, we will not be friends anymore.

friend number 2, dale
gets out of his car
puts his hand in the air and says
"oh no you didnt"
i am now on a timeout

situation number 3
i get home from grocery shopping( lots of horrible looks in walmart, and one other lady with a banana clip)
im in my apartment for a while, i go back downstairs to find my car blocked in.
there are six other open spots right next to me...she parks me in.
i have to leave for work soon, so i call my caretaker and find out whos car it is, have him find her and tell her to move it. she has obviously done this to piss me off..
she comes down, i tell her if she ever does this to me again, i will hit her car with mine(mine is alot bigger)
blah blah blah, we get into a huge fight, my caretaker comes down, tells her im right(of course)
shes pissed cause i parked in her spot. they are doing construction right now, so we dont have assigned spots, we got a letter from someone stating that, so a bunch of shit happens, she calls the cops cause she thinks im mean, i tell her that the cops are going to laugh at her stupid ass, but she does it anyway, i m sick of waiting for them so i take a shower, put my side-pony back in, get out and the cops are at my door. they tell me they ticketed her for parking me and three other people in, laugh at how stupid she is, then(the gay cop, of course we have a gay cop here) tells me that i i ever wear my hair like that in public again, he will ticket me 500 bucks from the fashion police mophia. bastard

ok, that was so much better in my head, or while it was really happening..

needless to say, i took it out and went to work, only to see a guest in the wedding i was bartending, wearing a banana clip on the side! i almost pissed myself! (ok, i might have actually pee;d myself alittle, but i would never tell you that.)

maybe ill try again tomorrow...