goodbye sweet michael

he taught me of stars
the constelations in the sky
the stars that pull at my heart
every time darkness falls

we talked about religion
and death
and hope

hope for a better life
than what we were living

his eyes
cut deep into my tortured soul
he knew what i was thinking
before i did

his smile
made me melt at just the thought
melt into myself
almost faint

the looks
in class
he knew i didnt want to be there
but to be with him
outside breathing the same air

our fingers intertwined
almost as one
adding to each other
like our souls were the same
but seperate

the connection i miss
i will never find it again
not until i am in death
where he is

he comes to me in my sleep
in my dreams i feel him watching
i know he is there
helping me not fall apart

i feel like half
of the whole that we were
its missing
my other half
i want it back
in someone new

many lifetimes we have shared
finding each other again and again
to fall into each others hearts
as friends and as lovers

the first time i saw this new boy
he took my breathe away
for he looks the same as you

his eyes cut me deep
i felt wretched
like i had done something wrong
i had allowed myself to be with another man
becasue you were gone

i tried to stay away
because his smile was the same
the looks he gave chilled me to the bone
they still do

even though i know he's not you
it was all the same feelings

the kiss that we shared
just that one time
made me feel like we were one
between space and time
it was just us

i never thought it would happen again
the same jolt
ripping at me from inside
telling me something i have yet to figure out
it has happened again
from the man
with the eyes of glass

i miss you sweet boy
your talks of angels and demons

you say that the drugs were the reason
for the things we discussed
but i knew better
it was the real you
the angels and demons part
but the drugs
took you away from me
and i will never forgive you for that

i am moving on

goodnight michael
i will always love you

i HASVE NO CLASUE EHWTA IM TALaking about!!!

i am absoluttreley pl wed!! i wenws to to my local bar that i go to beveryeweeken dand i swaw the kisser guy. i t was his birthday . some sodd feelings there. iat first i a avoided him caus ei did nt know what to say. he namde the first mocve and i was kinda bmnervous, bu ti soonm calm ed down. h e was talk in gabou stuff thtat i cou lndt ca relsess about, trying to avo uid tal ing about last week en di think the nhe st arte dto tslk about it . ikl eft som ethi ng at his house, so mething ver yimportan tto me andim ogn n aa get it back. whoosh*... he wa peretty waasted being his bdaby and all, bu tii stiill coul nt keep from look ing at h is lips. then he started talk ing in cognito about us ( caus ewe were in fron tof friendsan werwe keeping it secreta0) btu hewas saying ho w he met som eont e aagian, and i thoyught he was ta kllk ing abou tsome eone else, till i real izxed he ewas talk ing about me..hol yfuck its hard to tyope whwen im bipol ar and wasted,,,so he laeft and came back to say goosd bye to me, but my friend swere alla around sowe had no alon time. ill se e him sunday at a bday [arty for a 4 year old. i wonder idf we'll kiss alot that day,, i sur ehope so. even if it doesnt go any frthere tha tan that. i ewill remember the kisses forever.

i am stioll waiting onmy manslave anthiony to get here?? what is taking so log? is fedewx no truninng ion weekends o rehwta?

my lovely daughter

so, we went to the park today, as we do everyday at three oclock.
everything was going fine. she was playing with her park buddy ben, whose dad i am friends with, for about 45 minuted while we grownups sat at the picnic table talking about how horrible our exes are.
i walk over to check on the kids because they are out of site under the slide and everything appears to be ok. i ask then if they need water."nope, were ok mom"
so i resume talking to my friend when his little boy comes running over to us yelling something i couldnt understand.
i jump up and run towards my daughter, thinking she was hurt, when she runs out from under the slide, with nothing on her bottom. i listen harder to what the boy is saying and all i can make out is the word "poop"
my heart sank
my daughter had removed her clothing and took a giant poop underneath the slide in the rocks and is now running towards the grass saying that shes not done.
i am running aftre her to try to take her to the bathroom when i see her squat under a tree to finish her business.
well, i decide that i better go to the van and get the paper towels so that she has something to wipe with so i do, while my friend is looking for her poop under the slide. he couldnt find it.
she finishes and i wipe her butt and clean up her mess and throw it away and walk over to where hes looking. she says"i know where it is mom" and dives her hand into a pile of rocks. apparently she covered it up herself with rocks LIKE A DOG!
i find it, throw it away, wash our hands , oick her up and run like hell to the van to go straight home. all the while my friend is laughing and telling me how funny this story will be to tell when she grows up.

on the way home she asks me if i am happy. i tell her not really. she says "i love you mom" i say "i love you too maddie" then she says "i wont poop in the park anymore mom, but i really had to go"

i love being a mommy!

what stops your world from spinning( i know nick..its pie for you)

i cant stop thinking about that goddamn kiss its driving me crazy!

i think it mightt actually beat out the kiss i had when i was thirteen. im pretty sure the world actually stopped spinning this time.

the sex wasnt great, but that can be taught..
who am i kidding, it was as much my fault as his that it wasnt great. i was feeling lazy and i think he was too.

feel free to make fun of me, i like it.i could use a good laugh as could the rest of you i think.

once again

for about 5 minutes this week
i was happy
i went swimming with my daughter
blue sky
sun shining
her laughter
her kisses
cool water

then came the clouds
and i remembered
that i am not allowed to be happy

i feel it deep this time
worse than before
in my gut again
but this time
down to my toes as well

the loneliness has taken over
it kills me everyday
to wake up alone
again
and again
having it right there in front of you
slapping you in the face
and laughing

my friends are not alone
they might not all be happy
but they are not alone

this time has been the longest
without a partner in life
3 long years
without love from a man

i took the first couple as a celibet
not even looking
because i was scared
or scarred
from him
then i started to open my heart
and feel again
and i never should have
because it hurts

its not a hurt that everyone would know
unless youve been there
the loneliness
the angst
the torture
of living in your own head
with noone to open up to

the real me is pretty scary
not in a bad way
but in a real way
i dont show it very often
only to my child
because she loves me
and she understands
well, she will someday
i will never be fake for her
i will always let her know how i feel
and when im happy
and when im sad

but noone else will know
not anytime soon
the fake me comes out
in front of that wall
we "counseled" have heard so much about
the fake me
the one with the smile
inside of that smile i am gritting my teeth
wanting to just be left alone
with my thoughts
and my books
to my secret other world

i am trying not to teach my daughter to always see the pain
but to open up and feel the happys too
the little things we take for granted
but i pay attention to those things

looking at the stars
at the crushes house
in the country
he;s lived there all his life
and didnt notice the stars
i point out some constelations
he had no idea they were there
i did
i noticed
i wanted to stay there and look at them all night
and be connected to them
as i do when im lost
the moon is almost full this week
and it is pulling on my heart
i can feel it like its magnetic
this will be a bad week
and its already started

thinking about what i will never have
because the letter came back
"address unknown"
3 times and im done
i cant hurt over him any more
the soulmate i cannot find
will find me if my karmas in check
what if it isnt?
will i be lonely for three more years?
or will it eat me up before i find what im looking for

i lost ten pounds this week
no food
no sleep
no hunger pangs this time
i didnt get tired
i was just here
feeling the cycles of the moon
pulling me back towards the dark side
reality lost
the fake tonis here
i will now smile
and pretend
that i care

crush II

Best kisser ever!