im my inspiration

i realized yesterday
in the middle of an anxiety attack
that 15 years ago this week
some really important things
took place
( i was gonna say happened to me but "happened to me" didnt really seem appropriate)

my boyfriend (23) me (14)
went to prison to serve his 5 year drug sentence
he wanted me to wait for him
the night he left i slept with his best friend
tripped on acid for the first time
stole a car (while on acid)
got busted (mom called the cops)
got thrown in jail
met my real dad for the first time
pissed him off enough that he and my mom decided to send me to a shelter home for girls
stayed two days then ran away
stole another car to get home
slept with boyfriends other best friend(22)
and almost drown in a hot tub
then almost died from alcohol poisening
woke up on the bathroom floor of a strangers house
not knowing if i has sex with said stranger or not
had first aids test

this really happened to me all in one week
thinking about this now
im grateful to be alive

as depressed as i get
im a strong woman
and a wonderful mom
and i know now
that i can indeed get thru anything
if i got thru that week

i know i have done worse
and i have obviously pulled thru
i have blocked most of my life out somehow
but every once in a while
bits and peices come thru
in some cosmic way
to let me know
my life has been worse...

even though i dont believe in religion
i believe in a higher power
someones watching
and taking care of lilred.

ghosts of the past

i wish i could find the picture
the perfect day
the saddest day

a cabin 3 hours north of here
on the north shore

driving all day to find an empty hotel room
vacancy sign
we turn in

cabins on stilts
on lake superior

only rented for a week at a time
we lucked out
got one for a night

no tv
radio
just windows
and a wraparound deck

with my boyfriend
his ex girlfriend
and his brother

walking on the beach
late summer
glowing in my own happiness
deep down knowing the end was near

taking deep breaths

late at night
boys go fishing
me and the ex talking for hours and hours
working out the hurt
8 years of dirty looks

we slept alone
while they cranked themselves out

early morning
sitting on the deck
deep in thought
the families of the sailors
of ships gone down
their feelings overwhelming me

i imagined sitting on the deck of my house
waiting for my sailor
my love
my life

north star overhead
guiding him to me

after 8 years
i knew i didnt feel that way
about the man i was with

i knew it was the end

the most wonderful day
the start of my new life
my secret cabin
castle danger,mn

thank you for finding me