FUCK

yup, thats all i have to say

relief is spelled.....EPT

i pee'd on a stick
it says no baby today
i am so relieved

i could not begin to imagine
how to tell a one-night stand
that i am carrying his child

i will not be doing that again

i still do not understand
why i still havent had a monthly visit
from the ickies
or why my boobs feel like they are going to burst off of my chest
i guess all will reveal itself
in due time

i hope all of you know
i do live my life for my daughter
i am sad most of the time
thinking about how things could have been different
i watch movies
and i wish that i would have went to college
met all those intetresting people
had the fun
and the parties
but oh well
i cant change what happened
just what happens
now
i have to live life for the now

i wrote that letter
to the boy i once loved
it didnt come back
return to sender
so he must've gotten it
ill wait for his response
ok, im on pins and needles
it been a really long time
15 years
but, i couldnt just let my feelings go to the grave with me
right?
it actually felt good
to get it all out
i recomend it to everyone
write a letter to someone from your past
and actually send it
last time i did it
i found a lost friend
and even though she now lives in vegas
we still talk often
i couldnt imagine what my life would have been like if i wouldnt have done that
bite the bullet
apologize to someone you once wronged
it feels good
what was that movie with adam sandler
where he called and apologized to that crazy guy who was like a serial killer
crap, i cant remember
this will drive me crazy

id also like to know
whats your favorite movie
and why
im looking to expand my video collection
and need some feedback
and ubermilf
do not recommend any of those cheesy horror flicks you rented
and nick
no porn
i have enough

k, im off to clean my exes house again....

p.s. thanks to all of you who have given me advice
and who care about me and my princess
we will be ok
im just really going thru a rough time
if i didnt voice it
i wouldnt live up to my name
lilreddramaqueen

my colors

my colors

"bypolar"
thats what they call it
"crazy"
another unthoughtful term
just because i cry when the batteries die in the remote and im too lazy to get up and change the channel
doesnt make me crazy
" are you taking your meds" they ask
why?
"you cut all your hair off" they say
so..
you want to be the same.......everyday
feel free
you want to supress and be boring?
go ahead, i like my way
i like the moods, way up, way down
it gives me color
red,black,yellow,blue
it makes me who i am
if you cant take it all in
then
close your eyes
and look at your grey
i dont need you
i have me
and rosie
she is always there
and she understands
when you cry because you forgot to set your tivo
its because your passionate
and colorful
not crazy
i like me
thank you mom
for having it in your genes
i am fun
and red
not boring
and grey



this was my first post
29 years of frustration
building up in my heart
this blogging crap really helps
its like having free therapy
hmm

im having a bad day
again
imagine that

my period is now 10 days late
a one-night stand
3 months ago
im scared

my body hasnt ever worked like normal
what is normal
i dont know
i feel different
like with my maddie
i just knew
its like i feel another soul
trapped within

i find out tomorrow
i have to lie to go see my doctor
the last time he told my breasts i was pregnant
this time i will lie so i can see a woman
who is also a lesbian
she understands me
and will do whatever she can
like give you a wipe after pulling out the speculum

sweet dreams

things you ddont put in your profile(and things that have really fucked up my life)

1. I have irritable bowel syndrome

2. I have been in love with the same man for 15 years and he doesnt know it

3.I hate when my food touches. i use seperated plates everywhere

4. i dont let other people eat off my plate, drink from my pop, smoke off my cigerette, or wear my clothes.

5. my mother put me in 7 foster homes and three girls shelters when i was between the ages of 13 till i emancipated myself at 17.

6. i am the oldest of nine kids. the youngest is 2. i am 29

7.i contemplate suicide almost daily

8. i faked a drug problem when i was 13 to get away from my abusive father. it worked, i was sent away for 3 months.

9.i am obsessed with sunflower seeds.

10. halloween is my favorite holiday, because i get to dress up and pretend im someone else.

11. i like to go to strange bars, talk with a fake accent and pretend im from another country

12. i absolutely love my old school nintendo. i play it almost daily.

13. i do not like having one-night stands, but i have had many.

14.when i was about to give birth to my daughter, my birth father, who had been absent for 25 years,(the age i was at the time) showed up in my hospital room (no thanks to my selfish mother) and i threw him out an dtold the hospital staff that he was not allowed back in the hospital.

15. it hurts to have sex, but i keep doing it hoping it will get better.

16. the first boy that i was involved with(i was 13) thought we were having sex, but really we werent. he just rubbed alot on the outside and i never had the heart to tell him he needed to go inside.

17. the above boyfriend was my first love and he broke up with me on valentines day for having a cigerette, then made my seventh grade year a living hell.

18.i dont like men who brag about how good looking they are, or say that they have a large penis when they dont.

19. i have talked behind my friends backs

20. i joke about becoming a lesbian, but in truth i think i might really be one.

21. i dream about drowning almost nightly. i think that will ultimately be the way that i die.

22. i pretend that i am a really outgoing person, but really id rather just sit in my house alone painting.

23.i dont like birds.

24.i had a lesbian moment with my best friend and we have never mentioned it since. it has been 10 years.

25.i hate angelina jolie. i think that she is a bad actress.

26.i do however, love brad pitt

27.i sometimes wish people dead so that i wont have to deal with them anymore.

28. i dream of winning the lottery. if i did, i made a pact with myself to: buy houses for everyone in my family, my good friends, my ex, and myself. i would start a business(an art studio, and a dance studio) and i would donate the rest(except for what i would save for my daughter)) to the susan komen breast cancer center.

29.3 of my best friends are gay

30.i am a bitch

31.i didnt cry when my gramma died.

32.i have seen ghosts, and can feel the presence of them wherever i go.

33. i like to fart when im by myself

34.so does my daughter

35. i am bored with this

36. you probly are too

37. stop reading it then

38. dumbass

39. i want to be a carpenter

40. i dont really want to be skinny, i was once and i didnt like the attention, cause people annoy me.

41. most people bore me

42.i cry all the time when im alone

43. i love bon jovi

44. i wanna be a racecar driver

45. i almost was one, last year i was given a car and a sponsership and i turned it down.

46. i root for dale jr. but i secretly have a crush on jeff gordon

47.i like to bite during sex

48.i like to get hickeys

49. i once was beaten by my father for getting them, i think thats why i like them now

50. i sometimes dream that my mom would die so that she wouldnt have to suffer in her head anymore. she is worse off then i am. she will never get better. i wish her in heaven so she will be free.