i got hit by a boy

hmm,
i went to the bar tonight
against my will
(ok, nt against my will, but i didnt want to go to this bar)
the bar where the asshole i slept with and his nasty friends go
everything went fine at first
i won 150 bucks on a slot machine
got really drunk
laughed alot
did some dancin

then its time to close the bar
so we all stand outside to finish our drinks

the asshole and his friend are out there
the assholes friend starts to say shit really loudly
about how his friend shouldnt have slept with me
calling me a fat whore

ok, first of all, i am not a whore
and i am just chubby, not fat

second of all
what is it his business?

anyway
the girlfriend puills up to pick up the dick
and he doesnt leave
he stands there talking shit about me
loudly so i will hear him
i flick my smoke in his general direction
not for any reason, just to flick it
he gets in my face
(which is beat red because i am outraged)
calls me some name
and he looks like he is going to hit me
so i throw my drink in his face
(because i was going to punch him, but my drink was in my free hand)
he fuckin hit me
he hit me!

ok, i did not deserve to be called names all night
because i didnt say a fuckin word to him or his asshole friend(who by the way couldnt get it up)

and i am way smaller than him
way!!!! smaller

all my guy friends pull him away from me
because he will hit me again
and he fights with them because he really wants to hit me again
so his girlfriend gets out of the car and pulls him into it

i get hugs from my friends
and support because for some reason i think this is my fault
but its not
not at all

so, im rambling, but i just wanted to show you a picture of the two fuckin pricks that have ruined my favorite hang-out



the dick on the right is the one i slept with
the dick on the left is the one who hit me

see either of these pricks
fuck 'em up will you....

btw, i am really not a slut
no matter what i say about one-night stands i really do not sleep around.
i have been with 4 guys in nine months
sure its more than ive been with in six years, but i use protection and i have known every one of them

and he said to me...the only reason you ever get laid is becauee of alcohol...ya, right
the other guys i wasa with didnt have a drop to drink and it was really good sex
i didnt think i was that ugly
or fat, but i guess that drunk guys are always right huh??
asshole!

watch the fuck out

i am so tired
while trying to take off my eye make-up
i almost put a lit cigerette to my eye instead of the cotton ball

i dreamt of someone new last night
someone i shouldnt be dreaming of
my boss
yup, i said it
my boss

we were in the cooler
holding hands
he turned my back to him
so he could hold me
he did
and kissed my neck so sweetly
he whispered into my ear
"you have customers in the bar"
i opened the door and the bar was full of people
people dressed like they were from the twenties
corsets and tuxedos
big beautiful hats
with feathers on them

themn we were outside
me and my boss
with the sky-blue eyes that cut me open at every passing glance

laying on top of one of those wheely things that mechanics lay under cars on
him on top of me
because in my dream i am obese
and i would crush him

spiraling down a deserted mountain round
winding
reckless
steering with our fingertips
going so fast i cant catch my breathe

i look up
i see spirits walking up the mountain road
right in our path
holding hands
unaware that we are going to pass right through them
he holds on to me so tight
me breathing ceases
i am unconscious
but i am dreaming

i see the lovers
when they were alive
kissing
i see their auras
combining in love
and lust
they jump off the mountain
that we are spiraling down
they are all dead
walking back to the top
to jump off again
for all eternity

we pass through them again
they are unaware
that we are lovers
because we hide it

we are coming to the top
yet its on the bottom
and we will jump
to walk up the mountain
for all eternity
because we can never be free to have each other
to sit in the cooler
to kiss in private

people are always watching
dead or alive
it doesnt matter
we can never be together
they will always know
and judge

i actually do have a crush on my boss
the first time we met
was in the cooler
when i was stocking beer for my bar
i felt his energy
attach onto mine

every time i walk by him
my pulse races

then he looks at me
and i have to remember that i am standing
so my knees wont buckle

he feels it too
i can tell
he smiles when he shouldnt
and touches me on "accident"

i dont like anyone else to drink off my drink
or smoke off my smoke
he offered me a drag of his smoke when i was too busy to have my own
and i took it
i never do that

stop being so uptight little bossman
let lilred show you how to have some fun....

do you beleive ?

do you beleive that there really are people out there that are meant to be together?

last night i had yet another conversation with a stranger
this happens alot when you work in a hotel bar

i was feeling extra blue and he asked me what was wrong
i didnt really want to get into it because, being bipolar, i never know where my emotions are going to go, so i hold back most of the time, but not last night

we got on the subject of my daughter and her father
how i knew that he wasnt my soulmate,yet i stayed and tried to work it out anyway

i told him that my soulmate died many years ago
and that i dont think i will ever feel a love like that again
not with a man anyways

i could tell by the way he was looking at me that he didnt beleive in soulmates
and didnt beleive that i would ever find anyone to complete me
so i tod him the story of my soulmate

when i was done
he had a different look in his eyes
i think it was hurt
and pain
or sorrow

he said to me
"when you first told me your soulmate had died,i didnt really beleive you,
but as i listened to your story, and saw the pain in your eyes when you told me that after not speaking with him in 8 years, he stood at the foot of your bed in the same night that he died, you woke up knowing that it was true, you had just lost your only link to love, i beleived you"

he also said
"i beleive you will find each other in future lives"

i beleive that

( i also beleive that i can not spell beleive, i have tried and i still spelll it wrong every time)

so, my point is, if you truly dont beleive in soulmates, you need to open your eyes. you may not find them in this lifetime, but they will be there when you are ready.

btw, i am extremely screwed up today, i couldnt tel you left from right...my mind is wandering all over the place, im surprised that ive kept on subject this long.

when i started this blog i really felt that i was wrinting some really emotional shit and now im not sure that im putting my all into it. sometimes my posts are pretty worthless..sorry, i cant help it. im just babbling because im bored.


for the bee's knee's or anyone else that didnt hear this story:

i was sent to live with my father an hour away from my hometown when i was 13(eight grade)
my first day of school i walked into my accelerated math class, sat down (scared to death to be in a new school) turned around to look behind me, because i felt this energy coming from somewhere, and there he was. michael.
took my breathe away at first glance.
it was like our aura's were touching
i felt it deepdown
i had never ...
anyway, we talked right away, from the first day, everyday for hours a day
i knew when he was near me
i could sense him
as could he to me
his smile took my breathe away

he had a cousin
pj
(i think that their dad was actually morman and had three wives and that they were really brothers but couldnt tell anybody..all living in the same house with inly one dad, but thats a different story.)

anyway, i felt the same way towards pj.
it was almost like they were the same person
split right down the middle
i felt the same rush of emotions when either of them were close to me

they both told me they were in love with me
at the same time
they both knew it, lived in the same house, talked about it, and never fought about it. they just knew we were all connected somehow

mike and i decided to date(well, whatever that is when your 13)
going out, we called it.
but we were both grounded so much we never saw each other outside of school, so we wrote long detailed letters and swapped them in class

i talked to both of them nightly on the phone and we almost cried when we had to hang up each night.

this is getting long...im sorry...

anyway, this whole "going out" thing we decided was just childish and so we stopped. what was going on between the three of us was way more powerful than that.

we continued to talk all the time..the heart to hearts that leave you reeling all into the night...

we would sneak out and go sit under the tressel brigde to smoke pot and watch the river flow into nowhere...

then one night we were at the pool hall.
went outside for a smoke
we gently put his hands on both sides of my face
and kissed me

my whole world stopped
the energy i felt, was all of the energy in the world colliding between both of our bodies all at once

we smiled, went back inside, and i have never stopped feeling it. ever
that was in 1990

one week later i ran away from home
my dad broke my tailbone with his foot
i was done with my life there
i was caught
faked a drug problem so that i would be sent into treatment(where i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder)
and lost touch with the boys.
we talked once on the phone
once
i told them how i had met this boy and blah blah blah
(i ended up staying with that boy for 7 years)

well, i thought about them all the time, but was afraid to contact them because of the boy i was with
i knew that if i found either of them i would leave him to go be with them
i knew it in my soul

i broke up with the boy
moved back home to live with my dad
(he now lived two hours from where they lived)
to deal with my life

then one night i went to sleep
to have the worst nightmare of my life
i saw mike at the end of my bed
he was looking at me with peace in his eyes
and i was melting at his smile
he said to me
"go and take care of pj, he needs you"
then he was gone
i went back to dreamland to see him dead.

i woke up, called my cousin (who lives near them)
and asked her to look in on them for me because i had this horrible dream and had been thinking alo about them lately
she called me back 5 minutes later to tell me that he had died that night
that night
the night he was in my dream

she didnt have to tell me because i already knew

she picked me up to tak eme to the funeral a couple days later
i sat with her and her sister
pj did the eulogy
he looked at me the whole time
stared right into my eyes as he talked about how much mie would be missing
and about how much love he had in his heart
he looked at thought part of him had died too

when he was done, he came right to me, wrapped his arms around me and told me how much they both missed me

in his embrace i felt them both surge right thru me
mike was right there with him
holding me so tightly i couldnt feel my own breathe

i couldnt stay
i had to leave
pj needed me to be there
but i couldnt right then and there
i couldnt do it

i left half of my soulmate in the coffin
and the other half standing there waiting for me

i truly beleive that they shared the same soul
and that pj is lost now
he needs me to fill that part of him in
the part that mike took with him

i have looked for him just recently
with no luck
latters getting sent back
"wrong address"

i have felt mike here with me
especially when i write about him
or when i read his letters and look thru our photos

i have felt pj too
once when i was working at the casino
i felt him standing behind me
i know it was him
i couldnt turn around
he didnt say anything
im guessing it was because i was 8 months pregnant
and he didnt want to interfere
i wish he had

i miss them both so deeply
but because one is gone, i cannot be with the other
it wouldnt be the same
my soulmate is lost in this lifetime
maybe in the next he will just be in one person
and we will find each other right away
and stay together

(sorry this is so long...)

pass me the snuggle...

cant stop thinking about how things would have gone differently
if i'd have just said no to the question
"do you just wanna snuggle for old times sake?"
thats how it happened
my impregnation
6 months after we broke up
at the same party
both too drunk to drive
sleeping on the same couch
moved into the laundry room
to have sex on the cold concrete floor
not on the pill
no condom
he pulled out

two weeks later
i cant have a drink
my body feels tired
as does my mind
what is wrong with my boobs
why do i feel like they are going to pop?

test comes out positive
4 times to be sure
i tell him
he asks if its his
(i havent been with anybody else)
still reeling from our break-up
horrified to be near anyone else

we try to make it work
to be a family
buy a house
family vacation

it doesnt work
our relationship was based on sex from the beginning
the best sex either of us has ever had
does not make a relationship
does not make a family
does not make you happy
or me

try to stay together for the baby
never works
ever
sex does not make the world go round
it complicates things
fucks with your head
and your body

why did the bastard have to fit me so perfectly?
why do i think that it'll never be that good with anybody else
will i always compare them?
probably
yup, pretty sure i will
bastard

i got pregnant with my daughter
the love of my life
on a friends laundry room floor
at a party
i was not in love with her dad
not sure i ever was
how am i going to tell her this when she asks about us

"oh baby, your daddy and i just liked to have sex alot"
you were conceived out of lust
out of conveneince for both of us

it kills me that i am such an unloveable bitch
fuck me and get the fuck out
you'll never be enough for this princess
your just here to fill a void
that i will never allow to fully open
because i hate you
you fucking male

i am not trying to male bash. im just really pissed off that i let this happen.....so dont argue about it.