do you beleive ?
do you beleive that there really are people out there that are meant to be together?
last night i had yet another conversation with a stranger
this happens alot when you work in a hotel bar
i was feeling extra blue and he asked me what was wrong
i didnt really want to get into it because, being bipolar, i never know where my emotions are going to go, so i hold back most of the time, but not last night
we got on the subject of my daughter and her father
how i knew that he wasnt my soulmate,yet i stayed and tried to work it out anyway
i told him that my soulmate died many years ago
and that i dont think i will ever feel a love like that again
not with a man anyways
i could tell by the way he was looking at me that he didnt beleive in soulmates
and didnt beleive that i would ever find anyone to complete me
so i tod him the story of my soulmate
when i was done
he had a different look in his eyes
i think it was hurt
and pain
or sorrow
he said to me
"when you first told me your soulmate had died,i didnt really beleive you,
but as i listened to your story, and saw the pain in your eyes when you told me that after not speaking with him in 8 years, he stood at the foot of your bed in the same night that he died, you woke up knowing that it was true, you had just lost your only link to love, i beleived you"
he also said
"i beleive you will find each other in future lives"
i beleive that
( i also beleive that i can not spell beleive, i have tried and i still spelll it wrong every time)
so, my point is, if you truly dont beleive in soulmates, you need to open your eyes. you may not find them in this lifetime, but they will be there when you are ready.
btw, i am extremely screwed up today, i couldnt tel you left from right...my mind is wandering all over the place, im surprised that ive kept on subject this long.
when i started this blog i really felt that i was wrinting some really emotional shit and now im not sure that im putting my all into it. sometimes my posts are pretty worthless..sorry, i cant help it. im just babbling because im bored.
for the bee's knee's or anyone else that didnt hear this story:
i was sent to live with my father an hour away from my hometown when i was 13(eight grade)
my first day of school i walked into my accelerated math class, sat down (scared to death to be in a new school) turned around to look behind me, because i felt this energy coming from somewhere, and there he was. michael.
took my breathe away at first glance.
it was like our aura's were touching
i felt it deepdown
i had never ...
anyway, we talked right away, from the first day, everyday for hours a day
i knew when he was near me
i could sense him
as could he to me
his smile took my breathe away
he had a cousin
pj
(i think that their dad was actually morman and had three wives and that they were really brothers but couldnt tell anybody..all living in the same house with inly one dad, but thats a different story.)
anyway, i felt the same way towards pj.
it was almost like they were the same person
split right down the middle
i felt the same rush of emotions when either of them were close to me
they both told me they were in love with me
at the same time
they both knew it, lived in the same house, talked about it, and never fought about it. they just knew we were all connected somehow
mike and i decided to date(well, whatever that is when your 13)
going out, we called it.
but we were both grounded so much we never saw each other outside of school, so we wrote long detailed letters and swapped them in class
i talked to both of them nightly on the phone and we almost cried when we had to hang up each night.
this is getting long...im sorry...
anyway, this whole "going out" thing we decided was just childish and so we stopped. what was going on between the three of us was way more powerful than that.
we continued to talk all the time..the heart to hearts that leave you reeling all into the night...
we would sneak out and go sit under the tressel brigde to smoke pot and watch the river flow into nowhere...
then one night we were at the pool hall.
went outside for a smoke
we gently put his hands on both sides of my face
and kissed me
my whole world stopped
the energy i felt, was all of the energy in the world colliding between both of our bodies all at once
we smiled, went back inside, and i have never stopped feeling it. ever
that was in 1990
one week later i ran away from home
my dad broke my tailbone with his foot
i was done with my life there
i was caught
faked a drug problem so that i would be sent into treatment(where i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder)
and lost touch with the boys.
we talked once on the phone
once
i told them how i had met this boy and blah blah blah
(i ended up staying with that boy for 7 years)
well, i thought about them all the time, but was afraid to contact them because of the boy i was with
i knew that if i found either of them i would leave him to go be with them
i knew it in my soul
i broke up with the boy
moved back home to live with my dad
(he now lived two hours from where they lived)
to deal with my life
then one night i went to sleep
to have the worst nightmare of my life
i saw mike at the end of my bed
he was looking at me with peace in his eyes
and i was melting at his smile
he said to me
"go and take care of pj, he needs you"
then he was gone
i went back to dreamland to see him dead.
i woke up, called my cousin (who lives near them)
and asked her to look in on them for me because i had this horrible dream and had been thinking alo about them lately
she called me back 5 minutes later to tell me that he had died that night
that night
the night he was in my dream
she didnt have to tell me because i already knew
she picked me up to tak eme to the funeral a couple days later
i sat with her and her sister
pj did the eulogy
he looked at me the whole time
stared right into my eyes as he talked about how much mie would be missing
and about how much love he had in his heart
he looked at thought part of him had died too
when he was done, he came right to me, wrapped his arms around me and told me how much they both missed me
in his embrace i felt them both surge right thru me
mike was right there with him
holding me so tightly i couldnt feel my own breathe
i couldnt stay
i had to leave
pj needed me to be there
but i couldnt right then and there
i couldnt do it
i left half of my soulmate in the coffin
and the other half standing there waiting for me
i truly beleive that they shared the same soul
and that pj is lost now
he needs me to fill that part of him in
the part that mike took with him
i have looked for him just recently
with no luck
latters getting sent back
"wrong address"
i have felt mike here with me
especially when i write about him
or when i read his letters and look thru our photos
i have felt pj too
once when i was working at the casino
i felt him standing behind me
i know it was him
i couldnt turn around
he didnt say anything
im guessing it was because i was 8 months pregnant
and he didnt want to interfere
i wish he had
i miss them both so deeply
but because one is gone, i cannot be with the other
it wouldnt be the same
my soulmate is lost in this lifetime
maybe in the next he will just be in one person
and we will find each other right away
and stay together
(sorry this is so long...)
last night i had yet another conversation with a stranger
this happens alot when you work in a hotel bar
i was feeling extra blue and he asked me what was wrong
i didnt really want to get into it because, being bipolar, i never know where my emotions are going to go, so i hold back most of the time, but not last night
we got on the subject of my daughter and her father
how i knew that he wasnt my soulmate,yet i stayed and tried to work it out anyway
i told him that my soulmate died many years ago
and that i dont think i will ever feel a love like that again
not with a man anyways
i could tell by the way he was looking at me that he didnt beleive in soulmates
and didnt beleive that i would ever find anyone to complete me
so i tod him the story of my soulmate
when i was done
he had a different look in his eyes
i think it was hurt
and pain
or sorrow
he said to me
"when you first told me your soulmate had died,i didnt really beleive you,
but as i listened to your story, and saw the pain in your eyes when you told me that after not speaking with him in 8 years, he stood at the foot of your bed in the same night that he died, you woke up knowing that it was true, you had just lost your only link to love, i beleived you"
he also said
"i beleive you will find each other in future lives"
i beleive that
( i also beleive that i can not spell beleive, i have tried and i still spelll it wrong every time)
so, my point is, if you truly dont beleive in soulmates, you need to open your eyes. you may not find them in this lifetime, but they will be there when you are ready.
btw, i am extremely screwed up today, i couldnt tel you left from right...my mind is wandering all over the place, im surprised that ive kept on subject this long.
when i started this blog i really felt that i was wrinting some really emotional shit and now im not sure that im putting my all into it. sometimes my posts are pretty worthless..sorry, i cant help it. im just babbling because im bored.
for the bee's knee's or anyone else that didnt hear this story:
i was sent to live with my father an hour away from my hometown when i was 13(eight grade)
my first day of school i walked into my accelerated math class, sat down (scared to death to be in a new school) turned around to look behind me, because i felt this energy coming from somewhere, and there he was. michael.
took my breathe away at first glance.
it was like our aura's were touching
i felt it deepdown
i had never ...
anyway, we talked right away, from the first day, everyday for hours a day
i knew when he was near me
i could sense him
as could he to me
his smile took my breathe away
he had a cousin
pj
(i think that their dad was actually morman and had three wives and that they were really brothers but couldnt tell anybody..all living in the same house with inly one dad, but thats a different story.)
anyway, i felt the same way towards pj.
it was almost like they were the same person
split right down the middle
i felt the same rush of emotions when either of them were close to me
they both told me they were in love with me
at the same time
they both knew it, lived in the same house, talked about it, and never fought about it. they just knew we were all connected somehow
mike and i decided to date(well, whatever that is when your 13)
going out, we called it.
but we were both grounded so much we never saw each other outside of school, so we wrote long detailed letters and swapped them in class
i talked to both of them nightly on the phone and we almost cried when we had to hang up each night.
this is getting long...im sorry...
anyway, this whole "going out" thing we decided was just childish and so we stopped. what was going on between the three of us was way more powerful than that.
we continued to talk all the time..the heart to hearts that leave you reeling all into the night...
we would sneak out and go sit under the tressel brigde to smoke pot and watch the river flow into nowhere...
then one night we were at the pool hall.
went outside for a smoke
we gently put his hands on both sides of my face
and kissed me
my whole world stopped
the energy i felt, was all of the energy in the world colliding between both of our bodies all at once
we smiled, went back inside, and i have never stopped feeling it. ever
that was in 1990
one week later i ran away from home
my dad broke my tailbone with his foot
i was done with my life there
i was caught
faked a drug problem so that i would be sent into treatment(where i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder)
and lost touch with the boys.
we talked once on the phone
once
i told them how i had met this boy and blah blah blah
(i ended up staying with that boy for 7 years)
well, i thought about them all the time, but was afraid to contact them because of the boy i was with
i knew that if i found either of them i would leave him to go be with them
i knew it in my soul
i broke up with the boy
moved back home to live with my dad
(he now lived two hours from where they lived)
to deal with my life
then one night i went to sleep
to have the worst nightmare of my life
i saw mike at the end of my bed
he was looking at me with peace in his eyes
and i was melting at his smile
he said to me
"go and take care of pj, he needs you"
then he was gone
i went back to dreamland to see him dead.
i woke up, called my cousin (who lives near them)
and asked her to look in on them for me because i had this horrible dream and had been thinking alo about them lately
she called me back 5 minutes later to tell me that he had died that night
that night
the night he was in my dream
she didnt have to tell me because i already knew
she picked me up to tak eme to the funeral a couple days later
i sat with her and her sister
pj did the eulogy
he looked at me the whole time
stared right into my eyes as he talked about how much mie would be missing
and about how much love he had in his heart
he looked at thought part of him had died too
when he was done, he came right to me, wrapped his arms around me and told me how much they both missed me
in his embrace i felt them both surge right thru me
mike was right there with him
holding me so tightly i couldnt feel my own breathe
i couldnt stay
i had to leave
pj needed me to be there
but i couldnt right then and there
i couldnt do it
i left half of my soulmate in the coffin
and the other half standing there waiting for me
i truly beleive that they shared the same soul
and that pj is lost now
he needs me to fill that part of him in
the part that mike took with him
i have looked for him just recently
with no luck
latters getting sent back
"wrong address"
i have felt mike here with me
especially when i write about him
or when i read his letters and look thru our photos
i have felt pj too
once when i was working at the casino
i felt him standing behind me
i know it was him
i couldnt turn around
he didnt say anything
im guessing it was because i was 8 months pregnant
and he didnt want to interfere
i wish he had
i miss them both so deeply
but because one is gone, i cannot be with the other
it wouldnt be the same
my soulmate is lost in this lifetime
maybe in the next he will just be in one person
and we will find each other right away
and stay together
(sorry this is so long...)
posted by GingerSnaps at 10:25 PM
21 Comments:
i totally believe in soulmates.
after all, i found mine :)
(okay, now for your long comment, as i too am rambling all over blogger tonight with my life story comments)...
yes, i believe in soul mates. i found mine and he found me. we both know it, but there are so many outside circumstances that are important in our lives that we cannot be together.
i was going through this weird stage in my life, like i thought i was going to die or something, so i was making sure that whenever i left anyone, i told them i loved them (because you never know). i explained to him my whole soul mate theory about him and i. at first i don't think he thought i was being serious, but after i explained it all to him, he did believe in it and me. (yes, i have a whole crazy twisted theory about how him and i were meant to be). so i told him that i loved him and asked him to please wait for me next time around, as in this lifetime we cannot be together, but if he will wait for me, i promise that next time i will find him.
have you ever seen What Dreams May Come? it's a beautiful movie about how we find our soul mate, over and over again, at least that is how i interpreted it.
:end rambling:
Soulmates exist.
When you lose them you can find them again.
And yes, What Dreams May Come was a great movie...
This wasn't a nothing post and venting is good for the soul, and the mind.
I don't know if i believe in soulmates because to me that can be depressing, because that only leaves you one person...like a needle in a haystack... I believe that it is possible to find a person that can make you incredibly happy.. But there could be more than one person out there that can do that for you.
"I" before "E" except after "C". Believe
still, how did you know?
sandra, i have seen it, i loved it. i still think that when i die i will pull him out of a hell demension because he died of a drug overdose.(just typing it, even after he's been dead 8 years , still makes me cry)
dragonfly, i have figured that out, venting is good for everything inside.
lilmissknit, i think that its depressing sometimes, but i still beleive. whats meant to be is whats meant to be..
malcolm, i thinkn the reason you dont beleive is because you havent had that feeling yet. the one and only kiss i shared with him at 13 stopped my world from spinning. thats the only way i can explain this. we read each others minds, and the night he died, i saw him at the foot of my bed..staring at me, he was an hour away, dying in the back seat of a car, and in my dreams at the same time. i hadnt spoken to him in eight years, yet the connection had never been broken. tell me that isnt something to look forward to in a future life.
maybemeans no...bite me!
i know how to spell it i just cant do it when im frantically typing like the maniac i am tonight..i know how you hate it when i misspell though, next time i will try harder.
oh my, your soul mate died of a drug OD? I'm so sorry. Did you blog the story earlier? If you did, where is it. I'd like to know more. Was he a high school BF? Was it heroin? Sorry so many questions. Its just good to talk about these things. Esp. if you are still hurting. ::hug bff::
i have posted about him many times, but probably didnt refer to him as my soulmate. i will go and edit this post and tell you the story.
Soulmates, the ones we hold so high no one else can ever have a chance. I've got a soulmate. She doesnt talk to me anymore. We feel so passionate about each other but the fact that im 600 miles away is too much for her so the coping mechanism she adopted was to put me in her "friends" category. Now she only talks to "friends" occasionaly which sucks cause I need constant attention being the attention whore that I am. Fuck it all i want is a chick that digs hard rock and coldplay with a little hip hop and jazz fused in there. Someone that knows what im talking about when the topic of Halflife and natural mapping comes up. Pysics and openGL graphics processors! Arrrrghhhhhhh why cant my nerd girl be here!
cheyenne, youll find her. i have faith. your nerd girl is awaiting, probably playbibg black and white right now and not online...
the reason i knew (know) is because i had a dream about him. i know that sounds weird, but the dream, the kiss, the connection. whenever i needed him, all i had to do was think about him and he would come calling or running. even when we stopping being together, if i thought about him long enough, he would call, out of the blue, after months of not talking. he always knows when i am thinking about him, and i know when he is thinking about me. our love was (is, will always be) 50/50. one of us doesn't love more than the other. it's equal. and we are both sure of each others love. so sure that there is never an ounce of jealousy. i had our astrological charts done and besides all the mumbo jumbo, the one thing that it said that matters is "your love is a true and pure love". and it is.
:)
Lil' Red, My full response to this is posted on my blog. Look for your name. I hope you like it. You really made me think. Leave a comment if you can.
Much love,
Tiffany
I believe in soul mates, but I also believe that we have more than one.
When I was 12 I remember being scared shitless that I was never going to find mine, what if they were way on the other side of the world and I never made enough money as an adult to travel there and find them. Luckily that's not true. Or at least I'm lucky that he traveled from the other side of the world to find me here.
One of my cats is a soul mate, some of my friends are soul mates (most aren't though). The last soul mate I met was a Creative Director at a photo shoot, I was merely a peon assistant - the bottom rung - and he was at the top. He was blaring Elvis on the stereo and everyone was making fun of him for it behind his back. Later I asked who selected the music and he raised his hand and I went to him immediately and we became inseparable for there on the whole week on the shoot. We are both married and the instant closeness was weird from that standpoint but also completely plutonic. He was my soul mate because he opened his soul to its core and I felt its warmth and pain. He started telling me all of these facts about himself that he didn't understand why he was telling me. Some things he admitted to me he never even told his wife. We finished each others sentences, the whole 20 person crew sometimes had to wait for us to wrap up our discussions before it went on because they needed his approval, but they all quietly waited and that NEVER happens on shoots. It physically hurt my heart to say goodbye to him, there was a weird lingering at the end. Anyway, we definitely have more than one. What a cruel joke it would be if we each only had one.
I believe in soulmates, and Miss Knit, take heart -- I think you can have more than one.
Here's how I knew DILF was my soulmate. I immediately felt comfortable with him, like I had known him forever, even though we first met.
We never, ever had or have an awkward silence. That's not to say we don't have silence, just that it's never uncomfortable.
Also, I "know" he has my best interests at heart, always, and that he'd just as soon hurt himself as hurt me.
ldq...i just read the addition to this post.
and i feel for you.
malcolm, dont be bitter.ok, who the fuck am i to talk, im very bitter...
i do think that cosmically we are matched with certain people. friends family, pets..
your gonna have alot of time on your hands pretty soon here, want me to send you some books? i have some truly inspiring stories(and lots of mystery and romance novels) want me to send them to you?
sandra, if you dream about him,,he's probably the one
ubie, like any of us ever doubted that you and dilf were soulmates..for cripes sake, your perfect for each other!
ever, thank you, i went there.
still, im gonna steal someones elses soulmate pretty frickin soon here!
lorena, i think in past lives we pick who we want to associate with in future lives..friends, mommys, daddys..everyone, even the bum on the corner.
i have felt that openness with complete strangers too, actually it just happened to me a couple weeks ago with a girl i met at my bar. it hurt me to know that she was only here for three days and i will probably never see her again. i think we could have been friends for life..funnily enough, her name was hope.
i think there is only one soulmate and that everyone eventually finds that person, be it if they are half way around the world or not. you are like magnets, drawn to one another. some people just do not realize that they found their soulmate because they are not ready for that type of understanding. i believe that a lesson is repeated until it is learned, and through our lives we reach different levels as each lesson is learned. only after you reach a certain level can you begin to understand the meaning of finding and being with your soulmate. that is why there are people who don't believe. they just haven't gotten to that 'level' yet.
but i do believe that there are other people in our lives that we are connected to and that we 'find' everyone over and over again, in each life time. they are called kindred spirits. for example, i believe that my daughter was in my past life and every life before that. not as my daughter, but maybe as my best friend, or even my mother, who knows. i believe that in every lifetime you are surrounded by the same people from each life before.
my best friend through my late 20's, we didn't like each other at first, but we worked together and had no choice but to try to get along. it was funny because our friendship came about because we both just flat out said i can't stand you. we both have a scar on the inside of our arm, same arm, same spot, same looking scar. we didn't get the scar the same way, but when we opened up ourselves to each other, we found out how so much alike we were. it was really scary. we completed each other, like we were one in the same, yet different.
okay, enough of me and my theories on life. i'm probably not even making any sense. feel free to ignore me.
LDQ and Sandra - how funny, I just wrote an entry yesterday about a girl at work whom I hated bitterly for the first 2 years and then we became close. We were too much alike in the end in some ways, our Scorpio tendencies got the best of us, of her rather...and I didn't want to have anything to do with it in the end. It's strange I was just thinking about it this morning in teh shower randomly, that half of my good friends started out as enemies.
Anyway, back to the soul mates. Everyone has their owen unique definition about what a soul mate means to them. The dicitonary says it means: One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity.
Do you think it's something much more sacred than that definition I wonder?
oh definately. webster doesnt know what he's talking about..
LDQ...how do i know? read my post titled "if this isn`t love, then what is?".
:)
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