save me from myself...
si i wanted to make a post today
for cheyenne
to celebrate his wisdom
and brilliance
but my color cartridge ran out
so i couldnt make the collages i wanted to
sorry babe
maybe tomorrow
so instead ill tell you
why i feel like i want to stab my own heart out
i took a nap today
while my daughter was still here
she didnt want me to
she wanted me to play barbies
but depression has made me tired
so i slept instead
during my nap
i dreamt that my daughter was trying to kill me
over and over again
then i dreamt that "the kisser"
tried to kill me
by pushing me off a boat
and watching me drown
in the mississippi river
i have always feared that river
lived by it all my life
swam in it hundreds of times
but i dream that it will take my life
about once a week
i have dreamt
that my daughter n di are going over the bridge near my house
and we crash and go into the water
for some reason she is wearing her lifejacket
and i get her out of her carseat
and out of the van
onto safe land
where someone is waiting to rescue her
but something pulls me under
and i drown
every time
i feel like im doing it wrong
my life that is
somethings missing
and there are days when i have shut off my feelings
and sleep
today was one of those days
i fear that i will die alone
in that black frigid water
and noone will care
im going to bed now
to kiss my daughter
and hold her
so that the water doesnt get into her dreams
but if it does
her lifejacket will keep us afloat
and i will never let go
for cheyenne
to celebrate his wisdom
and brilliance
but my color cartridge ran out
so i couldnt make the collages i wanted to
sorry babe
maybe tomorrow
so instead ill tell you
why i feel like i want to stab my own heart out
i took a nap today
while my daughter was still here
she didnt want me to
she wanted me to play barbies
but depression has made me tired
so i slept instead
during my nap
i dreamt that my daughter was trying to kill me
over and over again
then i dreamt that "the kisser"
tried to kill me
by pushing me off a boat
and watching me drown
in the mississippi river
i have always feared that river
lived by it all my life
swam in it hundreds of times
but i dream that it will take my life
about once a week
i have dreamt
that my daughter n di are going over the bridge near my house
and we crash and go into the water
for some reason she is wearing her lifejacket
and i get her out of her carseat
and out of the van
onto safe land
where someone is waiting to rescue her
but something pulls me under
and i drown
every time
i feel like im doing it wrong
my life that is
somethings missing
and there are days when i have shut off my feelings
and sleep
today was one of those days
i fear that i will die alone
in that black frigid water
and noone will care
im going to bed now
to kiss my daughter
and hold her
so that the water doesnt get into her dreams
but if it does
her lifejacket will keep us afloat
and i will never let go
posted by GingerSnaps at 1:43 AM
4 Comments:
Oh, LilRed, I wish I were a brain mechanic.
Then I would fine tune the balance in your brain. You would still have all the fun of the "ups" without the deep sadness of the "downs".
Try to hang in there, babe.
I know I keep saying this, but you really need to see a doctor or therapist...someone who can help you figure out what to do to get better. Maybe you need meds of some sort...if you do, take them. If not for you, for your daughter. I have spoken many times about what it was like for me as a child to grow up with a bipolar mother. The difference is that you don't abuse your daughter, which is so so fantastic. But it wasn't the beatings I feared as much as the unknown. The beatings would last a few minutes, then be done. I could be alone for hours after that, so they were almost comforting, because they were sort of predictable. I lived in fear of never knowing what my mom would do next...when she'd snap, when she'd be happy, when she'd be crying uncontrolably. Do it for her.
And don't go drinking. Alcohol is a depressant, and will only serve to make your depression an even deeper hole to climb out of.
I don't say any of this in judgement of you. I only say it because I know that you're afraid and sometimes you're struggling very hard with this. I say it because I really want you to know that you can be totally healthy, and that you and your beautiful little girl can be happy without the fear. You need to be her life jacket...it's so much pressure on a small child to be the life jacket for her parents.
Red, I want to take you under my wing and protect you and your daughter. I'm sorry that you have these nightmares. But remember they are just that. It's not real life. You obviously love your daughter and want to save her from the depression you suffer from (the symbolic black river). She will be okay. You will be there to take care of her. Just remember to take care of you, too!
hope you are feeling much better now.
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