once again

for about 5 minutes this week
i was happy
i went swimming with my daughter
blue sky
sun shining
her laughter
her kisses
cool water

then came the clouds
and i remembered
that i am not allowed to be happy

i feel it deep this time
worse than before
in my gut again
but this time
down to my toes as well

the loneliness has taken over
it kills me everyday
to wake up alone
again
and again
having it right there in front of you
slapping you in the face
and laughing

my friends are not alone
they might not all be happy
but they are not alone

this time has been the longest
without a partner in life
3 long years
without love from a man

i took the first couple as a celibet
not even looking
because i was scared
or scarred
from him
then i started to open my heart
and feel again
and i never should have
because it hurts

its not a hurt that everyone would know
unless youve been there
the loneliness
the angst
the torture
of living in your own head
with noone to open up to

the real me is pretty scary
not in a bad way
but in a real way
i dont show it very often
only to my child
because she loves me
and she understands
well, she will someday
i will never be fake for her
i will always let her know how i feel
and when im happy
and when im sad

but noone else will know
not anytime soon
the fake me comes out
in front of that wall
we "counseled" have heard so much about
the fake me
the one with the smile
inside of that smile i am gritting my teeth
wanting to just be left alone
with my thoughts
and my books
to my secret other world

i am trying not to teach my daughter to always see the pain
but to open up and feel the happys too
the little things we take for granted
but i pay attention to those things

looking at the stars
at the crushes house
in the country
he;s lived there all his life
and didnt notice the stars
i point out some constelations
he had no idea they were there
i did
i noticed
i wanted to stay there and look at them all night
and be connected to them
as i do when im lost
the moon is almost full this week
and it is pulling on my heart
i can feel it like its magnetic
this will be a bad week
and its already started

thinking about what i will never have
because the letter came back
"address unknown"
3 times and im done
i cant hurt over him any more
the soulmate i cannot find
will find me if my karmas in check
what if it isnt?
will i be lonely for three more years?
or will it eat me up before i find what im looking for

i lost ten pounds this week
no food
no sleep
no hunger pangs this time
i didnt get tired
i was just here
feeling the cycles of the moon
pulling me back towards the dark side
reality lost
the fake tonis here
i will now smile
and pretend
that i care