mothers day

ive given up hope
on having a normal life

not even normal so much as just OK

im pulling my hair out
trying to make everyone happy
when im really just making myself miserable
in the process

ive disowned my family
(except my mom)
for not hearing me
when i asked very loudly
for help i desperately needed

they dont get it
i confronted them about being abused
and neglected
and denial was blocking their ears

im not trying to be "all about toni"
i just them to know they hurt me
TO THE CORE

ive had men (alot)
ask me out on dates
or try to hang out with me
and i cant.

i feel physically ill
thinking about opening up to someone else
to turn around and have them shit on me
again

maddie makes comments about me and her dad getting back together

he hates me

how do you tell your 4 year-old
that her dad cant stand to be in the same room as her mom?

and how can i tell her
that i hate her grandparents
and aunts and uncles

for letting her mothers rapist
sit at the dinner table
for every christmas
and thanksgiving
and easter
and act like nothing happened

what if the baby would have lived?
would i have told her
he/she was not made out of love
but thru hate

i dont know how to deal anymore
im making up other voices to talk to
because noone else is saying what i need to hear.

the only voice i do hear
is the one calling me mommy
the only one that matters


mommy maddie daddy
may 14th 6006