letter to my father (very long and typed very badly)
i just dont know what to do. i have emailed you and left a couple messages for you to call me since you came up here but i get nothin. yet mom tells me that kristy tells her that you dont call me becasue i dont call you on your birthdays or christmas, but i do. i am doin the best i can to try to keep a relationship with everyone but when you come up here half a doxen times in 5 years and never come to redwing to see us, knowing i dont have a reliable enough vehicle to make it to wherever your at it really makes me feel unwanted. i said i wanted to go to curt and denises party, i even toook the time off and you never called me or returned my messages to let me know where i was going..
and not that i care becaue im older and birthdays arent important to me but maddie was expecting to hear from you on her birthday. if you have a problem with me, thats fine, but she is only four. i tell her about you all all the time and she talks to your pictures...but if you dont want to have nay kind of relationshipw with us then at least tell me so i stop filling her head with stories about family.
you know, sometimes i just wonder if you even wonder how i feel about my life..or understand what ive been thru. i have never ever felt like i fit in. think about it. i went to 7 foster homes, thre girls shelters and a treatment center. all wihin 5 years. i have never had a sense of home. i always knew that i would be ,ealing wherever i was because i would say the wrong thing or try to be myself and for that i would get chastised.
i didnt have a drug problem in rockford. i had tried pot one time and had alcohol twice. i smoked cigerettes..but who in our family doesnt? i was glad to be sent to treatment because at least there i didnt have expectations for love and support. i never felt like you cared about me. it was always about rules. if i didnt follow the rules i would be punished. thats the way it went. i was always(and still am) scared to joke around with you for fear that i might say the wrong thing and piss you off. i shouldnt have to live in fear. and i deserve to feel loved. so does maddie. and becasue of everything i have gone thru in my life..im not sure that i even know how to love. i dont even really know my brothers or sisters. all their lives they we always told how i was such a horrible persion and have never anted any kind of relationship with me. mom never wanted me...and i make one mistake and you cut me out of your life. how is a person supposed to feel a sense of family?
im goin to be 30 next month and i have accomplished nothing in my life. i have problems with ever person i know because i dont know how to have a healthy relationship. i never had one with you, my brothers or sisters or my mom. the slightest mistake would (and still does) send everyone running. i have no clue how to recieve posotive attention, even now. the only way i know how to get any attention from anybody is by acting out...and then i get labeled as a dramaqueen. when i was younger, if i screwed up even the smallest thing with you, like not whiping the kitchen counter off with the right rag, i would get slapped, kicked or drug by my hair. i still have nightmares about the night i ran away from your house in rockford. 17 years later i still wake up screaming. do you remember hitting me, pulling me down the hall by my hair, kicking me with your boots to my bedroom...i got up on my bed when you tried to talk to me and then you pulled my off my bed by my hair. i fell on my tailbone and permantly damaged it. do you remember that. well, i do and my friend juli probably does too because she was there and saw it all. thats why i ran away, said i did drugs and drank...because i knew that you would send my away like mandis mom did. i needed to get out. i never felt loved. i felt like i was a mistake. mom didnt want me either. sending me to 7 fostor homes in 4 years...what do you think that did to me?
i treid to be a good kid. i was in all the top classes in school. choir, volleyball and softball but you never supported me. you never went to my games or watched me at choir concerts. i sang a solo in fron tof the entire school parents and everyone. but you didnt show. you never came to my games..or told me you were proud of me. it was after that that i started to act out just to get any attention. only when i was fucking up did you look at me..but in a negative way.
well, that how im living my life now. acting in a negative manner to get attention from anyone. i fucked up my relationship with steve becasue i didnt know how to love him and now im afraid that i will do the same with maddie. i dont know how to love. i know i love her with everything i have in me, but i dont knwo how to make her feel it in a positive way. i caught myself almost spanking her today because she didnt take her boots off fast enough. thats no way for a kid to live. she shouldnt always have to live on pins and needles in fron tof me like i did with you. she should always know that people are allowed to make mistakes.
when you told me that you cut nikki out of your life because she got pregnant again i almost hung up on you. that wast the most heartless thing i have ever heard. i couldnt believe that after all the mistakes you both have done that you could do that to your own child. and now you have a new grandchild that you hated before she even came into this world. thats not the way life should work. why do you think nikki acts out? probably the same reason i do..the only passion you sometimes show for us is when your mad.
well, i feel like im beating a dead horse here. i am very angry about alot of things...feeling abandonded, unloved and just basically not cared for by anyone. at any moment anyone i care about is going to leave and not think twice about the feelings i have for them. when i was raped by donald noone was there for me. i was pregnant and luckily had a miscarriage..but if i would have had that baby at 13 would you have shunned me out for the rest of my life? well, it felt like you did already. if my parents(mom inclluded) would have cared anything for me they would have found a way to put that fuckin bastard in jail, but noone did. he never spent one fucking day thinking about how he hurt me. instead he laughs everytime i see him becasue he knows he got away with it and that my family took his side. my own fucking family.
well, i just have one more thing to say. i talked with dustin a couple months ago on the phone. he was yelling "stupid little fucker. ill beat youe ass if you dont shut up" at maison.just becasue he was playing with laney and making her laugh while dustin was on the phone. wow, did i have a flashback. do you really think that thats the way you should talk to yuor children? well, thats what i rememeber. i have no memories of praise or encouragement, just "dont fuck up this one" or "you better not do that or your be feeling my belt on your ass, you stupid little fucker"
i would like to know if i ever meant anything to any of you. my siblings included. i am a wonderful person somewhere inside and i wish that the clouded judgement you all have of me would clear up long enough for you to have some kind of relationship with my daughter. and i hope to god that the kids down there will think about the way they talk to their kids becasue i know i sure dont feel like a good person when someone is yelling at me like that.
feel free to share this with whomever you want, but always know that i will never feel loved, accepted or accomplished because i was torn apart so bad that i dont ever think that i could be built back up again. im not strong enough to overcome this. and that everyday i think about ending my life for fear that i will end up doing the same things to my daughter. she would be better off with her father who always felt loved and was always praised and never hit.
you can say bullshit and get mad and do whatever you want but this is why i dont call or write. i will never be good enough for you no matter what i do. i will always be the fuckup and the one you make fun of and talk bad about. yup, thats me, the fat, alcoholic thats bad with money.
and not that i care becaue im older and birthdays arent important to me but maddie was expecting to hear from you on her birthday. if you have a problem with me, thats fine, but she is only four. i tell her about you all all the time and she talks to your pictures...but if you dont want to have nay kind of relationshipw with us then at least tell me so i stop filling her head with stories about family.
you know, sometimes i just wonder if you even wonder how i feel about my life..or understand what ive been thru. i have never ever felt like i fit in. think about it. i went to 7 foster homes, thre girls shelters and a treatment center. all wihin 5 years. i have never had a sense of home. i always knew that i would be ,ealing wherever i was because i would say the wrong thing or try to be myself and for that i would get chastised.
i didnt have a drug problem in rockford. i had tried pot one time and had alcohol twice. i smoked cigerettes..but who in our family doesnt? i was glad to be sent to treatment because at least there i didnt have expectations for love and support. i never felt like you cared about me. it was always about rules. if i didnt follow the rules i would be punished. thats the way it went. i was always(and still am) scared to joke around with you for fear that i might say the wrong thing and piss you off. i shouldnt have to live in fear. and i deserve to feel loved. so does maddie. and becasue of everything i have gone thru in my life..im not sure that i even know how to love. i dont even really know my brothers or sisters. all their lives they we always told how i was such a horrible persion and have never anted any kind of relationship with me. mom never wanted me...and i make one mistake and you cut me out of your life. how is a person supposed to feel a sense of family?
im goin to be 30 next month and i have accomplished nothing in my life. i have problems with ever person i know because i dont know how to have a healthy relationship. i never had one with you, my brothers or sisters or my mom. the slightest mistake would (and still does) send everyone running. i have no clue how to recieve posotive attention, even now. the only way i know how to get any attention from anybody is by acting out...and then i get labeled as a dramaqueen. when i was younger, if i screwed up even the smallest thing with you, like not whiping the kitchen counter off with the right rag, i would get slapped, kicked or drug by my hair. i still have nightmares about the night i ran away from your house in rockford. 17 years later i still wake up screaming. do you remember hitting me, pulling me down the hall by my hair, kicking me with your boots to my bedroom...i got up on my bed when you tried to talk to me and then you pulled my off my bed by my hair. i fell on my tailbone and permantly damaged it. do you remember that. well, i do and my friend juli probably does too because she was there and saw it all. thats why i ran away, said i did drugs and drank...because i knew that you would send my away like mandis mom did. i needed to get out. i never felt loved. i felt like i was a mistake. mom didnt want me either. sending me to 7 fostor homes in 4 years...what do you think that did to me?
i treid to be a good kid. i was in all the top classes in school. choir, volleyball and softball but you never supported me. you never went to my games or watched me at choir concerts. i sang a solo in fron tof the entire school parents and everyone. but you didnt show. you never came to my games..or told me you were proud of me. it was after that that i started to act out just to get any attention. only when i was fucking up did you look at me..but in a negative way.
well, that how im living my life now. acting in a negative manner to get attention from anyone. i fucked up my relationship with steve becasue i didnt know how to love him and now im afraid that i will do the same with maddie. i dont know how to love. i know i love her with everything i have in me, but i dont knwo how to make her feel it in a positive way. i caught myself almost spanking her today because she didnt take her boots off fast enough. thats no way for a kid to live. she shouldnt always have to live on pins and needles in fron tof me like i did with you. she should always know that people are allowed to make mistakes.
when you told me that you cut nikki out of your life because she got pregnant again i almost hung up on you. that wast the most heartless thing i have ever heard. i couldnt believe that after all the mistakes you both have done that you could do that to your own child. and now you have a new grandchild that you hated before she even came into this world. thats not the way life should work. why do you think nikki acts out? probably the same reason i do..the only passion you sometimes show for us is when your mad.
well, i feel like im beating a dead horse here. i am very angry about alot of things...feeling abandonded, unloved and just basically not cared for by anyone. at any moment anyone i care about is going to leave and not think twice about the feelings i have for them. when i was raped by donald noone was there for me. i was pregnant and luckily had a miscarriage..but if i would have had that baby at 13 would you have shunned me out for the rest of my life? well, it felt like you did already. if my parents(mom inclluded) would have cared anything for me they would have found a way to put that fuckin bastard in jail, but noone did. he never spent one fucking day thinking about how he hurt me. instead he laughs everytime i see him becasue he knows he got away with it and that my family took his side. my own fucking family.
well, i just have one more thing to say. i talked with dustin a couple months ago on the phone. he was yelling "stupid little fucker. ill beat youe ass if you dont shut up" at maison.just becasue he was playing with laney and making her laugh while dustin was on the phone. wow, did i have a flashback. do you really think that thats the way you should talk to yuor children? well, thats what i rememeber. i have no memories of praise or encouragement, just "dont fuck up this one" or "you better not do that or your be feeling my belt on your ass, you stupid little fucker"
i would like to know if i ever meant anything to any of you. my siblings included. i am a wonderful person somewhere inside and i wish that the clouded judgement you all have of me would clear up long enough for you to have some kind of relationship with my daughter. and i hope to god that the kids down there will think about the way they talk to their kids becasue i know i sure dont feel like a good person when someone is yelling at me like that.
feel free to share this with whomever you want, but always know that i will never feel loved, accepted or accomplished because i was torn apart so bad that i dont ever think that i could be built back up again. im not strong enough to overcome this. and that everyday i think about ending my life for fear that i will end up doing the same things to my daughter. she would be better off with her father who always felt loved and was always praised and never hit.
you can say bullshit and get mad and do whatever you want but this is why i dont call or write. i will never be good enough for you no matter what i do. i will always be the fuckup and the one you make fun of and talk bad about. yup, thats me, the fat, alcoholic thats bad with money.
posted by GingerSnaps at 5:36 PM
8 comments
