sweet dreams

last night i got into a fight with my three year old
she wanted fruit snacks for dinner
then ramen noodles
i made roasted chicken
and asparagus
she was not happy
she threw herself down on the floor in a fit
looked like she was having a seizure
screaming at me
" i hate you mommy"
she had yogurt
went to bed
she had to sleep with me
wanted her blankie
and her friends
she hit her legs on my nightstand
gets so upset
she cries until she pukes
all over me
i try to wash her up
she hates me
i clean us up
go to bed
tell her shes a wonderful girl
she says
" i need to be a new girl"
" i need to not cry and make you sad mommy"
i tell her shes perfect just the way she is
and its not her thats making me sad
its me
"goodnight sweet girl" i say
" i love you boogaloo"
she says,
" i dont love you, i only love my daddy"
repeat 50 times
while im falling asleep
thats all i hear
"i dont love you mommy"

Ferociously tenacious

I am a sweet girl
with red hair, green eyes and freckled skin
I live my fun life
by the rules of my kin
laughing and drinking
and swimming naked


I have a passion for books and read everything i can get my hands on
my grams sent me this sweet irish collection
of smart irish women that I enjoy everyday

I try to live my life to the fullest
and laugh whenever possible.

" I am troubled. I am dissatisfied. I am Irish."

"irish men are reckoned terrible heart stealers"

"other people have a nationality, the irish have a psychosis"

" Ireland is a country in which the probable never happens, and the impossible always does"

"If your lucky enough to be irish, your lucky enough"

"The irish, when good, are perfect"

"God needed laughter in the world,
so he made the irish race,
for they can meet life with a smile,
and turn a happy face."

"if you keep your mouth shut, youll never put your foot in it"

"love is blind to blemishes and faults"

"every st. patricks day every irishman goes out to find another irishman to make a speach to"

"A man who cant laugh at himself should be given a mirror"

"God created whiskey so that the irish would not conquer the world"

"hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance"

"the more you strive to be sensible and serious and meaningful, the less chance you have of becoming so. the primary objective is to laugh"

"we irishmen are banking heavily on the fact that God has a sense of humor"

" what is nearest the heart is usually nearest the lips"

"when anyone asks me about Irish character, I say:" look at the trees: maimed, stark, and misshapen, but ferociously tenacious." "

" Your thorns are the best part of you"


If everyone lived their life this way...we'd all be drunk , naked, and singin from the tree tops.

Xoxo,
Toni Marie

cant get it out of my head

all night
in my dreams
this one line has been ringing
in my head

" please be careful with me
cause im sensitive
and i'd like to stay that way"

I am not here to judge

when I met the father of my child
he said that I intrigued him
"you didnt judge that boy and shun him like the rest of us did"
I have no right to judge
this boy started working at the same place that we did
in a casino
lots of judging there
like a high school
but with alot more money
this boy starts work
and i hear about him through the gossip
he has jet black hair
he dies it himself
he slicks it back
and wears white makeup to make himself look pale
cherry lipgloss to brighten his lips
and black eyeliner
to define his grey eyes
they claim he's a vampire
which we all know is not true
hes just a disturbed individual
like the rest of us
just in a different way
he likes to tell stories
and get attention
but still
i dont judge
i talked to him finally
we worked together alot
turns out he was friends with my brother
back in high school
he's just a normal kid
into d and d
and magic
his style reflects his personaltiy
and i liked him immensly
he left there in pain
the other people ran him out
just because he was different
well, let me tell you
i know all of their secrets
and they were way worse than he was
maybe i shouldve judged them
and gave them the same dose of hate they threw his way
but i do not judge
i love them all the same


i dont understand
how people go through life
with this chip on their shoulder
it makes me so sad
to see a man in a bar
walk up to the skinny girl
and ignore the chubby one
she probably has more in common with him
than the twit does
deep rooted passion
for the things that she loves
feelings that extend beyond the mirror
takes nothing in vain
but just loves with her heart
and not his checkbook

i have noticed this lately
with my own experiences
i have gotten a little chubby
since the birth of my child
and my friends are skinny
they get approached at the bar
but they have nothing to say
so i end up talking to these men
whom im not really interested in because of the reason they are there in the first place
but they listen to what i say
and want to know more
but i blow them off
because i dont need any more judgemental people in my life

i see how it works
because ive been the pretty girl
i still am
but with more to love
and more in my head than most people expect
its crazy how you think your going to just see someone a few times
and you think theres nothing there
then out of the blue
they fall in love with you

i am so way off topic
and this has gotton out of control
i was supposed to write about judging
had it in my head all day
i guess my passion to see people the way they really are took over
im sorry
if you talk to me
i will not judge you
but see who you really are
and be a good friend
just dont fall in love with me

I am alive

i didnt get murdered by my internet boyfriend.

im not sure how i feel about this today
i dont know if i want this kind of a relationship right now
everything went well, but i got freaked out
the whole time i kept thinking
is this right?
do i like him enough to try to make a huge commitment
im not sure that i do
dont get me wrong
he is a wonderful boy
funny
sweet
easy on the eyes
but im not sure he's the one
I dont want to spend all my energy on someone i dont want to spend the rest of my life with
i wasted 14 years doing that with two other guys
im a mommy now and i cant risk it
when i meet the right one
ill know
i feel so bad
i know he will read this
and i dont wanna break his little heart
because i like talking to him everyday
as friends
and thats all
oh i am so stuck
ive been trying to find a way to tell him for two days
and its hurting my head
and interrupting my sleep
i am not a bitch
and i never wanted to hurt him
but when you know, you know
and i know
that he's not the one

this is not helping
im getting even more nervous
off i go....