i was 13

i am 13, i am raped by an "uncle"
my aunt is pregnant with his child
i have only told my best friend
she makes me take a test
i am pregnant
i am 13
i was a virgin
i had my period
blood all over the car
somehow my aunt doesnt notice
the blood on his shirt
my attitude towards him
noone notices
i am pregnant
i get in a fight
best friend tells girl not to hit me because i am pregnant
she does
then calls my mom
mom freaks, calls me a slut
i tell her it was him
i miscarry
i do not have it taken care of
scar tissue
told i am barren
i am 13
noone knows
six months pass
my mom tells family
she is a bypolar too
they dont believe me
he is in my house
he smirks
i punch him
i have no support
i go to treatment for depression
i am 13
because apparently i have the problem
its not me
seven foster homes in 4 years
three girls shelters
one treatment facility
i have an "rpr"
i think that stands for outburst
i get rolled up in a gym mat, someone sits on top of it
i cant breathe
here starts my anxiety attacks
i am 13
i am 29
i still have anxiety
every single day
afraid to try new things
cant let my food touch each other
i am nuerotic
because when i was 13
i was pretty

a friend

have you ever had a friend that you thought was you best?
i did
we laughed and laughed
but when it came time to cry, he was gone
drinking and dancing is fun, but feelings are scary
i beacame a single mom
i lost most of my friends
but really i dont care
the ones who stuck around
would be with me to the death
i am grateful for them
my daughter is too
i realize alomst all people have the "friends" that they consider "superficial"
but i personally dont need them
the only reason i write this, because it bothers me that two years after we are not friends
i still see them about
dirty looks
immature comments
cant they just live their own lives and leave me alone
i wonder sometimes what it would be like to have no friends at all
devastating, lonely, black and sad
but you know what
if all my friends were like them
i would rather be alone
ok im done just needed to get that off my chest
theres just one problem
i really mis this one friend
i might have been too harsh
he didnt desreve it
i miss him

cant sleep

my head is swimming with the activities of today
goin to the park
grocery shopping
damn walmart, takes all my money
every night i think about the people i have met that day
wonder where they go after they leave me
if they are as nice to their children as they seem at the park
i thought that about someone about a month ago
found out later he tried to kill his two year old while on drugs
took chunks of her shin out with his teeth
threw her down the stairs at the cops
she was almost dead
still in icu 35 days later
i met him at the park a week before
never would have thought...
now he'll be jail for life
for something he doesnt remember doing
this kills me inside
i pray for her to recover
its not her fault
i hate drugs
goodnight sweet girl
i hope you hear my prayer

today

today i am happy
flying high
my daughter loves me
my ex was nice today
(doesnt happen alot)
rosie made a comment
and i found a nice boy

let me tell you
its been a long time since i found a boy that listens
lets me have my "chubby days"
lets me have my" crazy days"
ok ok maybe "lets me" isnt the proper term
more approprietly.."accepts"
i like that alot
its not easy in this world of cinics to find a friend much less a lover that will absolutely love you for who you are
it feels nice
i hope it works out
met online
damn internet cribbage
i am happy today

i paused to go eat
now i am sad
april does that to me
five years ago i lost a friend
do drunk driving
five years ago this week i lost my gramma
bad heart
seven years ago this month i lost a soulmate friend
to a drug overdose
four years ago last month my best friend lost his mom
to breast cancer
i visit her often
to tell her her son is well
i will take care of him
we are fighting for the cause
golfing in her memory
she loved to golf
she loved her son
this makes me sad
my mom is sick now
i miss her so much
her spunk is gone
she is just like me
up and down, all over the place
i wish i had a genie
to cure all the pain
i wouldnt wish for money
i would wish for the cure
that takes all the mothers, sisters and friends
breasts are for feeding
not to take you to death
im crying now
because my new boy
his mommy is sick
the breast got her too
i hope she gets well
i pray for her often
she needs to see her grandkids
she needs many years
to see if this works out with her son
so i can go to her and make her laugh
that really is the best thing in life
the best medicine they say
it sure is gonna help me
get thru this day
i will now go watch ben stiller
to get over my grief
i will not forget though
just laugh and feel better
and remember the loved ones i lost
and fight to keep the ones i have
the cause is not lost
ill get it everything i have
to see people smile
that makes my day
now i am happy
thinking about the ones i have
and the ones i have lost sre watching my
sayin to themselves
"toni knock it off you dramaqueen"
we'll make you safe and your daughter is beautiful
she has your spirit
full of love and compassion
and spunk and laughter
take care of her
she is your angel
and your blogs are too long
good day to you
i hope your angel is watching and making you smile

my colors

"bypolar"
thats what they call it
"crazy"
another unthoughtful term
just because i cry when the batteries die in the remote and im too lazy to get up and change the channel
doesnt make me crazy
" are you taking your meds" they ask
why?
"you cut all your hair off" they say
so..
you want to be the same.......everyday
feel free
you want to supress and be boring?
go ahead, i like my way
i like the moods, way up, way down
it gives me color
red,black,yellow,blue
it makes me who i am
if you cant take it all in
then
close your eyes
and look at your grey
i dont need you
i have me
and rosie
she is always there
and she understands
when you cry because you forgot to set your tivo
its because your passionate
and colorful
not crazy
i like me
thank you mom
for having it in your genes
i am fun
and red
not boring
and grey