mothers day
ive given up hope
on having a normal life
not even normal so much as just OK
im pulling my hair out
trying to make everyone happy
when im really just making myself miserable
in the process
ive disowned my family
(except my mom)
for not hearing me
when i asked very loudly
for help i desperately needed
they dont get it
i confronted them about being abused
and neglected
and denial was blocking their ears
im not trying to be "all about toni"
i just them to know they hurt me
TO THE CORE
ive had men (alot)
ask me out on dates
or try to hang out with me
and i cant.
i feel physically ill
thinking about opening up to someone else
to turn around and have them shit on me
again
maddie makes comments about me and her dad getting back together
he hates me
how do you tell your 4 year-old
that her dad cant stand to be in the same room as her mom?
and how can i tell her
that i hate her grandparents
and aunts and uncles
for letting her mothers rapist
sit at the dinner table
for every christmas
and thanksgiving
and easter
and act like nothing happened
what if the baby would have lived?
would i have told her
he/she was not made out of love
but thru hate
i dont know how to deal anymore
im making up other voices to talk to
because noone else is saying what i need to hear.
the only voice i do hear
is the one calling me mommy
the only one that matters
mommy maddie daddy
may 14th 6006
on having a normal life
not even normal so much as just OK
im pulling my hair out
trying to make everyone happy
when im really just making myself miserable
in the process
ive disowned my family
(except my mom)
for not hearing me
when i asked very loudly
for help i desperately needed
they dont get it
i confronted them about being abused
and neglected
and denial was blocking their ears
im not trying to be "all about toni"
i just them to know they hurt me
TO THE CORE
ive had men (alot)
ask me out on dates
or try to hang out with me
and i cant.
i feel physically ill
thinking about opening up to someone else
to turn around and have them shit on me
again
maddie makes comments about me and her dad getting back together
he hates me
how do you tell your 4 year-old
that her dad cant stand to be in the same room as her mom?
and how can i tell her
that i hate her grandparents
and aunts and uncles
for letting her mothers rapist
sit at the dinner table
for every christmas
and thanksgiving
and easter
and act like nothing happened
what if the baby would have lived?
would i have told her
he/she was not made out of love
but thru hate
i dont know how to deal anymore
im making up other voices to talk to
because noone else is saying what i need to hear.
the only voice i do hear
is the one calling me mommy
the only one that matters
mommy maddie daddy
may 14th 6006
posted by GingerSnaps at 4:18 PM
4 Comments:
You're "normal" in a crazy world, red.
I'm going to invent a time machine just so I can cut off that rapist's nuts before he has a chance to hurt you.
*Hugs*
That was a heavy post dude. How the hell do people get away with this crap. Screw them dude! Eliminate them from your vocabulary. Tell your child that they are not healthy people and that is why you don't see them. I don't know how anyone can recover from rape, but some do I guess. What a terrible thing that they did to you. You are in the right.
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