my tongue is purple
i just ate 20 fruit roll-ups
in a row
and now im eyeing up a jumbo bag of sunflower seeds
to salt up my tongue
and chap my lips
obsessive compulsive
yes i am
i had a biopsy yesterday
on my leg
they popped out some tissue
to see why ive had hives
continuously for 4 months
all over my body
im burning and itching
i can tell you right now
stress is the cause
but my boss needs to see something medical
or ill lose my job
i have spent 1500 dollars
on books in the past three months
and not expensive hardcover books
good books, cheap
barnes and noble.com
im in trouble
but for some reason
i cant get my head into reading right now
starting a book is like torture
and i used to love reading so mmuch
i would read three books a week
i confronted my dad
and my sister
about how i was raised
hit
screamed at
kicked
called a worthless fucker
then just ignored
they dont get it
they say quit living in the past
im not
im trying to get the grudge monster to go away
he gets me while i sleep
while i walk
watch tv
and breathe
i want to know why
when their 13 year-old daughter got raped
the ignored it
and let it go
its not like i could press charges by myself
i wasnt strong enough
just sent me away
and said "you deal with her"
7 foster homes
in four years
starting at 13
emancipated at 17
the hives started at 15
that time
lasted nine months
then went away with hope
of a better life
those sunflower seeds arent gonna eat themselves
i gotta go
and hope for the hives to go away
and not talk to my family
because they hate me
for wanting love
in a row
and now im eyeing up a jumbo bag of sunflower seeds
to salt up my tongue
and chap my lips
obsessive compulsive
yes i am
i had a biopsy yesterday
on my leg
they popped out some tissue
to see why ive had hives
continuously for 4 months
all over my body
im burning and itching
i can tell you right now
stress is the cause
but my boss needs to see something medical
or ill lose my job
i have spent 1500 dollars
on books in the past three months
and not expensive hardcover books
good books, cheap
barnes and noble.com
im in trouble
but for some reason
i cant get my head into reading right now
starting a book is like torture
and i used to love reading so mmuch
i would read three books a week
i confronted my dad
and my sister
about how i was raised
hit
screamed at
kicked
called a worthless fucker
then just ignored
they dont get it
they say quit living in the past
im not
im trying to get the grudge monster to go away
he gets me while i sleep
while i walk
watch tv
and breathe
i want to know why
when their 13 year-old daughter got raped
the ignored it
and let it go
its not like i could press charges by myself
i wasnt strong enough
just sent me away
and said "you deal with her"
7 foster homes
in four years
starting at 13
emancipated at 17
the hives started at 15
that time
lasted nine months
then went away with hope
of a better life
those sunflower seeds arent gonna eat themselves
i gotta go
and hope for the hives to go away
and not talk to my family
because they hate me
for wanting love
posted by GingerSnaps at 4:49 PM
8 Comments:
been reading your blog since you read mine, I like it, keep blogging. I'll keep reading
Powerful as ever. I like reading your blog even when it's hard to read. That is a compliment.
i confronted my parents BOUT BEING ABUSED AND THE FACT THAT THEY DIDNT HELP ME OR STAND BY ME WHEN I WAS RAPED 17 YEARS AGO AND THEY ARE TELLING ME TO STOP LIVING IN THE PAST...IM HOLDING GRUDGES AND IM TRYING TO SET THEM FREE BY CONFRONTING LIKE MY THERAPIST SAYS...AND THEY ARE DENYING ANY OF IT EVEN HAPPENED...AND IVE BEEN GETTING HIVES ALL OVER MY BODY EVERYDAY SINCE JANUARY...AND THEY CANT FIND ANY OTHER REASON BUT STRESS...IM SO FUCKED UP IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW..I WISH SOMETIMES I COULD JUST LEAVE IT.
Lil Red, you want them to be good people, but they're weak people. They don't want to face what they did, because they know it's wrong.
But you can't force them to be strong and brave and good.
All you can do is take care of you, make sure you act properly, and try to heal.
I'm always around if you need me.
What Ubie said. I can't imagine how that must have been for you. To tell someone to stop living in the past is incredibly thoughtless. I'm sure it would be a different story if it had happened to them.
Man, I don't know how one can extinguish that dissapointment that your family has been. Easier said than done I am sure. Eating sunflower seeds is theraputic for me.
*HUGS*
I admire your courage and the power that you have within yourself. It shows up in your words and in the actions you take.
I hope you find the solace you seek.
Remeber that someome out there is thinking of you.
My sister was molested by a close family member when we were incredibly young. Noone in our family except me believes her. I know it's true because he tried to molest me as well. I can't tell how many times I've listened to my baby sister cry and rant and rave. The thing is...most usually it's about the fact that our parents didn't support her when she told them what happened. It hurts her as much, if not more, than what that guy did to her. He stole her innocence and her childhood happiness, but my parents reaction took her selfworth. She struggles everyday. My heart goes out to you....if you ever need an ear, I'm here.I know you don't know me, but, sadly, I know you....
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