all might not be lost
my hope is lost
ive been crying for days
sleeping and not wanting to wake up
im not sure its ever going to happen again
no, im sure its not
i need so stop watching"the notebook"
thinking that true love exists
that we could love each other so much
to die in each others arms
that doesnt happen in real life
it doesnt
ive stopping beleiveing
(still cant spell beleive)
my hope is lost
ive not been in my body for days
i feel like ive been wayching this life from far away
renting it out for another one night stand
waking up to an empty bed
not knowing if what i did the night before really happened
it did
i have a sore crotch and a hickey to prove it
on a plane he went
never to be seen by my eyes again
just like the rest
out of sight, out of mind
but not really
i am so lost
im trying so hard to stay awake everyday
to play with my princess
i lay down to take a short nap
and the whole day is gone
she wakes me up to tell me she's hungry
i get up and feed her
she tells me to read her a story
i dont have the energy
i tell her i will later
then i forget
she goes to sleep
waits for me to lay down next to her
i do
then i sleep
all night and most of the day
i need to break this depression
its hurting her feelings
she thinks i dont love her
i didnt take her on the bikeride i promised today
i was too tired to go anywhere
if i do it ill feel better
i know i will
but mustering up the strength to get out of bed
is too much
it hurts
twas ten years ago today i lost both of my knees
crashed a corsica into a streetsweeper
things would have gone differently
had i opened my eyes
i closed them and crashed
life altered
im gone
im sorry
fuck!!!
i cant stop thinking about someone
no sex involved
just hand holding
sweet sensitive boy
where the fuck did you go?
what could have been
between us
intelligent
im all over the place again
thoughts interupted by a phone call
(thank you maybe...)
now i cant concentrate
cause i have to pee.
ive been crying for days
sleeping and not wanting to wake up
im not sure its ever going to happen again
no, im sure its not
i need so stop watching"the notebook"
thinking that true love exists
that we could love each other so much
to die in each others arms
that doesnt happen in real life
it doesnt
ive stopping beleiveing
(still cant spell beleive)
my hope is lost
ive not been in my body for days
i feel like ive been wayching this life from far away
renting it out for another one night stand
waking up to an empty bed
not knowing if what i did the night before really happened
it did
i have a sore crotch and a hickey to prove it
on a plane he went
never to be seen by my eyes again
just like the rest
out of sight, out of mind
but not really
i am so lost
im trying so hard to stay awake everyday
to play with my princess
i lay down to take a short nap
and the whole day is gone
she wakes me up to tell me she's hungry
i get up and feed her
she tells me to read her a story
i dont have the energy
i tell her i will later
then i forget
she goes to sleep
waits for me to lay down next to her
i do
then i sleep
all night and most of the day
i need to break this depression
its hurting her feelings
she thinks i dont love her
i didnt take her on the bikeride i promised today
i was too tired to go anywhere
if i do it ill feel better
i know i will
but mustering up the strength to get out of bed
is too much
it hurts
twas ten years ago today i lost both of my knees
crashed a corsica into a streetsweeper
things would have gone differently
had i opened my eyes
i closed them and crashed
life altered
im gone
im sorry
fuck!!!
i cant stop thinking about someone
no sex involved
just hand holding
sweet sensitive boy
where the fuck did you go?
what could have been
between us
intelligent
im all over the place again
thoughts interupted by a phone call
(thank you maybe...)
now i cant concentrate
cause i have to pee.
posted by GingerSnaps at 12:20 AM
13 Comments:
oh honey. i'm sorry you are hurting so much.
you need to be stong, if only for the sake of your daughter. don't let what you are going through affect her. i know it's easier said than done, but trust me, you're just going to feel guilty about not doing mommy things with her, and it's not going to help matters.
i went through a terrible bout of depression and didn't want to ever get out of bed, or stop crying. but because of my guilt of not having a father for my daughter, i made a promise to myself that i would never let my depression affect her. it would only depress me more. so i would save it all up. we would do things and go places and i never once let her see me cry. i would wait until she went to bed at night and then i would lock myself in the bathroom and cry everything that i held in all day. i did that for months.
i'm not saying that is what you should do, because everyone has different ways of coping.
please don't be sad.
I'm just wondering if there's something to do for it. I know you hate the drugs. I don't know enough about it to suggest anything else.
Is there anyone, anyone at all that you can visit with your daughter? When I was depressed, it didn't cure my depression but it helped my daughter.
Red, I'm glad you are able to write things down and get them off of your chest. You have been given some great feedback by people who care about you. But have you ever spoken to a professional? Lots of us have benefited by therapy/counseling. If not a shrink, maybe just a professional who can offer you an unbiased opinion and get you help. Just a thought.
You need to see a doctor, period. I know this will sound harsh, and I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but it's really not about you at this point. Do NOT let your daughter pay the price for your problems. If my mother had been medicated, I'd have had a childhood I could remember. Most people can remember little details of their childhoods...things they did, places they went, friends they had... I only remember my mother and the extreme fear of never knowing what was waiting for me at home. Do NOT do that to her. Please. I'm begging you. My mother is so much better now that she's medicated. I've seen both sides. I'm sorry that you don't like medication, but if you're truly bipolar, your brain chemistry does NOT work correctly. You need the proper medication to make it work. Period. Please...go see a doctor and get the help you need. It's not just about you, but it's about your daughter too. I am here to tell you that living with an unmedicated bipolar mother was nothing but a living hell. Don't do that to her, and don't do that to yourself. Please.
im cleaning my house today. ive been up since nine. i feel better and ive been playing with her all day. when im done were going for a bikeride and a picnic.
i have tried so many meds and none of them worked. most of them made me feel more suicideal than not being on them. i think i need to invent one just for me. at one time i was on three different types at once..its not that i havent tried, its just that they dont work.
i love my princess and i would never do anything to hurt her. i dont hit her or yell at her i give her as much attention as i can, some days are just tougher than others. i usually call my mother in law to come get her if i cant handle it, so she doesnt have to see me like that, yesterday i didnt have that option and her dad was busy.
and bryce, who the fuck are you? i know your not the real bryce cause he'd never say nice things to me.
isn't it shocking to see a kind comment beside that face of his? it freaked me out on your last post when he was kind.
i'm glad you are up and running today.
that sucks that the meds don't work for you. i'm not bipolar, but i did have to go through many anti-depressants and combinations of them until my doctor found what worked. it does suck, because at one point they even put me on seroquel (which is for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder). that shit fucked me UP! and not in a good way.
maybe you should try again. like my doctor told me. there are all kinds of medications, and if we have to we will try them all until we find something that works. they are always making something new or improving a drug. you never know.
*hugs*
yes it is.
i tried that crap too, it didnt work. i was sick of my body being used as a guinea pig so i stopped letting them try new shit.
someday when i have time to try out ew products i will, but for now im just dealing with it.
"I" before "E" except after "C" believe. I told you that before. Your welcome for the phone call
malcolm, my god, i am so sorry about your mom. i have been scared for my mom my whole life, as she is manic too. she tried to kill herself a couple years ago when in the middle of the guenea pig game with her doctor, bug reason why i stopped doing it. i am taking herbal supplements for depression and i am doing yoga everyday, it works pretty good. i really just seem to blog about my depression on the really badd days. not all days are this bad..i promise. i would never endanger my child, i can usually tell when its coming and have a safe-haven for her..
my god, i wish i could just hug you right now. how are you going to deal with this in prison?
damn im sorry you are having a rough time. hugs for you.
i love that movie the notebook. i watch it alot too and cry for a week after it. but i cant seem to stop watching it. i dont think there really is love like that out there
thanks for the visit
naughtygirl, i watched the god damn thing again last night too..
malcolm, i will never tell my secrets...how i fugured out how to masterbaate...
bryce, right on.
It sure wasn't with the "silver bullet" was it???
um nope. i will never tell...
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