busy, busy, busy

im getting sick of this life
all this crap running through my head
ive been depressed for days
the cycle has started again
this time its bad
really bad

i have no escape
for my mind
no lovers
no friends
in my head i block them out
dont answer calls
dont shower
( ya i know)
havent been eating
no appetite
because im having
15 chubby days in a row

it started when i lost my job
one year ago
lost so many friends
even the enemies i miss
just having people around me
would make me at least have a fake smile
i still felt lonely
but it was different
i couldnt cry when i wanted
now i can
i am isolated now
sitting in my apartment
withthe phone off the hook
sitting on the damn computer
reading sad stories
and dodging instant messages
because today
i hate people
( ok i dont really hate people)
im really a sweet girl
when i want to be
im just mad right now

ive been looking for a job
looking for a life
driving my three year old crazy
with my ranting and raving
about how she needs to do things perfectly
i am obsessive compulsive
she really doesnt need to do them perfectly
but in my head i think she does
i dont want her to end up like me
crazy and alone
im surprised i dont have 47 cats
they would eat me alive
because id forget to feed them
like i forget to feed myself
how am i fat?
if i forget to feed myself
who knows
god, do you have my answer?
of course you dont
your busy
with peolpe that really need you
like my mommy
how is she by the way?
shes been to busy to call
shes doing worse than i am
with her depression
at the end of her rope
standing in front of a black hole
ready to jump in
and in spirit
im standing beside her
ready to take the plunge
into a reality
where employers call you back after an interview
bastards
dont they realize...
no they dont
nobody wants to hire crazy people
hmm..
ive been called crazy more than once this week
maybe theres something to it
fuck no
(oops sorry for that)
but really
im just colorful
back to my usual red
looking for those who are yellow
to brighten my day
my madeline
my yellow
my sunshine
i will not jump
into the black hole
for you
i will go on
and pretend to be happy

on with my busy busy life....