huh?

i feel like im gonna throw up
i googled myself
cause someone told me to
found out this site comes up
first and foremost
so anyone who would ever try to find me
will find this
oh crap!!!
i thought this would be a great emotional outlet
for people i dont know
crap!
well i guess evryone will now see it
i do it all the time
google people that is
people i haent seen in 115 years
just to see what their life is like now
if anything shows up that is
interesting thing
this computer thing
i coulndt figure out anything for the longest time
now im all frickin over
reading sad things
making new friends
making new enemies
making new loves
derek derek derek derek
ok babe
now i said it
you wanted to be in a blog
now you are
k now that thats done

ok why i feel sick
i dont know
got some bad news yesterday
about my mom
hysterectomy( i know i didnt spell it right)
who fuckin cares
i dont
anyway
i wanna be there with her
the whole time
when they take her woman parts out
hold her hand
kiss her tiny fingers
when i was little
she used to check my head for lice
cause thats what paranoid parents do
i loved it
she had the best fingernails
scratchin my head
i used to pretend i thought i had lice
just so shed scratch my head
i miss her from then
shes so different now
the world has gotten to her
shes trying to put all her faith in god
but im not sure she actually is
she says it all the time
"toni, ask god, he willl help you"
well fuck!
why isnt he helping her
she needs something right now
more than i have to give
a miracle
a knock on the head
who knows
i sure as fuck dont
i do believe that there is something else out there
to help us when we need it
WHERE ARE THEY NOW??????
well that is for another blog
this one makes no sense
im just typing to keep myself busy
because i feel a manic coming on
im sure ill be back tonite to write more after this spell
fuck who knows
i might get drunk and come back and write about ho wi think i can see dead people