the funny things i see

i picked up my daughter from her dads just now
she was "super"crabby
i thought ..great...
fight to put the coat on
the shoes
carry her to the car
still crying
she's three
it happens
im gettin ready to shut the door to the astrovan( ya i know)
and i accidentally burp
she laughs
then she cries again
remembering shes crabby
we get home
a four minute drive
shes asleep
lots of drool
damn, she must be tired


i took her to the gas station the other day
naked barbie in hand
of course
she sits on the counter
talking to everyone like she knows them
someone tells her her barbie is naked
she says"my daddys naked too"
i hold my breathe, waiting for a response from the ladies of the school board
they laugh
whew, im not a bad mom today


theres carpenters working in my apartment
didnt know they were here yesterday
they let themselves in
i was in the shower
i walk out of the bathroom naked
they see me
one falls off his ladder
lol, sorry, didnt mean to scare you
im leaving
everyday between 9 and 2
till their done


my daughter and i are in walmart
she farts
really loud
really really smelly
what did her dad feed her
i dont know
she yells"mommy say excuse me when you fart"
ohh, im gonna kill her dad

my best friend tells me this story
about his mother who passed away from breast cancer
she was in the kitchen with him
and she farts
it smells really bad
his brother walks up the stairs into the kitchen
and smells
then says
"hey mom, whens the egg salad gonna be done"
i pee'd my pants when he told me that
literally pee'd
his brother got hungry from a fart
love it

my daughter is goin to sleep
i make shadow puppets for her
again im drinking pepsi
so i burp
threw her puppet
she laughs so hard she falls out of bed
"make him toot" "do it again mom"
i love my daughters sense of humor
im pretty sure she gets it from her dad

ive seen lots of funny things
ill remember them and write
but now ive got go
so goodbye for tonite