shaded
my eyes are adjusting
to the light in my life
blurry for 29 years
starting to see the stars
something seeps thru the clouds
is it good or evil?
keeping my legs closed for a while
aids test on monday
forgot to use a condom
"forgot"
right
not a whore
just stuck in someone elses life
my mind is not mine
my feelings are shut off
i need to turn them back on
my contribution to half nekkid thursday
my first time
pictures capture me
in my moment of thought
not easy to look at the screen
when your own face is look back at you
i put on a mask
to cover my shallow eyes
agony
defeat
deception
fear
rage
i do not want to be looked at
i want to hide in my head
fighting with my demons
please dont judge me
i made a mistake
please dont make it fatal
my baby needs a mommy
give me one more chance
all shall be redeemed
in due time
to the light in my life
blurry for 29 years
starting to see the stars
something seeps thru the clouds
is it good or evil?
keeping my legs closed for a while
aids test on monday
forgot to use a condom
"forgot"
right
not a whore
just stuck in someone elses life
my mind is not mine
my feelings are shut off
i need to turn them back on
my contribution to half nekkid thursday
my first time
pictures capture me
in my moment of thought
not easy to look at the screen
when your own face is look back at you
i put on a mask
to cover my shallow eyes
agony
defeat
deception
fear
rage
i do not want to be looked at
i want to hide in my head
fighting with my demons
please dont judge me
i made a mistake
please dont make it fatal
my baby needs a mommy
give me one more chance
all shall be redeemed
in due time
posted by GingerSnaps at 11:25 PM
11 Comments:
I'm not here to judge..
I know a lot of us that post on your blog don't.
We enjoy your posts for their funny, insightful and truthful nature.
You are very brave to let us all in the way you do.
what i meant by"dont look at me" is when i walk into or call planned parenthood and i tell them why im there. they gave me that "are you fuckin stupid" look. well, people make mistakes..dont they? hey at least i didnt let thousands of people die today. look at the guilty, not me.
lmk, thank you. not sure ive beeen so funny lately.
keet, i like to wallow..doesnt everybody?
I know, LilRed. They make you feel like a skank for taking responsibility for your health.
exactly ubie. exactly!
im sorry malcolm. i remember reading that somewhere. i couldnt imagine going thru that.
i usually , almost always use a condom. i dont know what happened that night. i think i was wasted and spaced it..it could end up being a deadly mistake. i havent been sleeping since that night. my test is on monday and it takes a few weeks to get the results..then a retest in a couple months..legs closed.
*sigh* I know that "don't look at me" you speak of. it has always kept me from going for help when I've really needed it. people can be so judgemental. best of luck; I hope all turns out okay.
hey are you like totally being sarcastic CH?
Lilred - has anyone told you lately how beautiful you are?
the vibe here did make a weird turn with the comments CH has made. what the hell?
the waiting sucks. i know. hell, i used a condom, but my paranoid self still went and got tested. i have this fear that disease can seep through condoms. how am i ever going to have sex again with that type of thinking is beyond me.
when you go back, don't let them get to you. fuck them. and if they do give you attitude, call them on it. seriously. ask them if they have a fucking problem, ask to speak to their supervisor, write a letter, seriously. it won't stop with you. they will continue to do it to other women too and it needs to stop. we should not be made to feel uncomfortable in a situation where we as women are trying to take responsibility for our health. it's situations like yours which prevents people from wanting to ever get help or get tested. you told brooke no one tells you you are beautiful, but that they say you are evil. you are beautiful, but if there is an ounce of evil in you, use it if and when you need to, when go back to get your results. don't let them make you feel bad. be strong.
love you.
I'm still not going to watch chick flicks. And I don't think I've heard the term "les" used since I was in 7th grade. So I'm guessing CH is most likely a 7th grader.
At what point did humanity forget that we are all human beings with thoughts and feelings?
I agree with Sandra, walk in there with your head high and stand up for yourself, your baby and every woman who finds themself in the same situation after you.
Life happens...
It's how you deal with it that makes it worth while.
So if they treat you like a lesser human being, talk to their supervisor and report them... they have no right to make you feel worse than you already do for trying to be responsible now.
It will work out.
*hugs*
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