not p.g.
I have discovered something
when you are not looking for answers
they hit you in the face
anxiety is underestimated
by all of society
unless you suffer the pain
the shakes and sweats
not catching your breathe
the knot in the pit of your soul
flies out the window
with the music your feeling
out of the blue
you get in the mood
to have raunchy sex
right here and now
how does that happen?
seconds away from a nervous breakdown
and i think about sex
in no way has it ever comforted me
i have never felt safe in anyones arms
14 years in long term relationships
and not ever had that feeling like it was ever enough
not safe
but scared
for the next bout of pain
to be inflicted on my soul
but still
i get scared
and i want to have sex
all the time
i see a strange man
walking down the street
and i think to myself
i wonder what hed be like in bed
will those arms give me comfort?
will he satisfy my greatly underappreciated sexual needs?
wil his dick be so tiny that i wont even feel it?
these are the questions that pop into my head
i know its mean to judge a man solely on his penis size
i know
i know
maybe thats my problem
i have been judging with a closed mind
i always think that i am so open
not judging
but really i am
i have lost control of my thoughts at this point
fuck, i hate when that happens
the accident i was in today
rearended a parked car
because i was having an anxiety attack
not undercontrol
then immediately i think about sex
hmm
too all who were worried
i am ok as of right this minute
drinking enormous amounts of booze
and chainsmoking till i cant breathe
i am ok
i did lose my new job this week
so theres that
but i got my new internet today
wich so far i am happy with
so im sure i will be in a funk in a couple hours
aftre i drink and visit your blogs
leaving drunkin messages
in desperate need of secret decoder rings
ill put in the order right now
cause tonights gonna be a doosey....
when you are not looking for answers
they hit you in the face
anxiety is underestimated
by all of society
unless you suffer the pain
the shakes and sweats
not catching your breathe
the knot in the pit of your soul
flies out the window
with the music your feeling
out of the blue
you get in the mood
to have raunchy sex
right here and now
how does that happen?
seconds away from a nervous breakdown
and i think about sex
in no way has it ever comforted me
i have never felt safe in anyones arms
14 years in long term relationships
and not ever had that feeling like it was ever enough
not safe
but scared
for the next bout of pain
to be inflicted on my soul
but still
i get scared
and i want to have sex
all the time
i see a strange man
walking down the street
and i think to myself
i wonder what hed be like in bed
will those arms give me comfort?
will he satisfy my greatly underappreciated sexual needs?
wil his dick be so tiny that i wont even feel it?
these are the questions that pop into my head
i know its mean to judge a man solely on his penis size
i know
i know
maybe thats my problem
i have been judging with a closed mind
i always think that i am so open
not judging
but really i am
i have lost control of my thoughts at this point
fuck, i hate when that happens
the accident i was in today
rearended a parked car
because i was having an anxiety attack
not undercontrol
then immediately i think about sex
hmm
too all who were worried
i am ok as of right this minute
drinking enormous amounts of booze
and chainsmoking till i cant breathe
i am ok
i did lose my new job this week
so theres that
but i got my new internet today
wich so far i am happy with
so im sure i will be in a funk in a couple hours
aftre i drink and visit your blogs
leaving drunkin messages
in desperate need of secret decoder rings
ill put in the order right now
cause tonights gonna be a doosey....
posted by GingerSnaps at 9:55 PM
5 Comments:
I say this without judgement, and with only absolute concern and compassion...
You really need to find someone who can help you. I think you need a psychiatrist who can not only help you work through whatever inner demons are consuming you, but can prescribe medicine should you need it. There is no shame in medical help, nor in medication. If you truly are bipolar, you need that sort of medical help. If you're already on meds, you need to have them changed. If you need them, take them. Take care of YOU. You will never find safety and security in the arms of another person until you are secure in your own skin. Take care of YOU!!
i have been diagnosed with bypolar . i faked a drug problem when i was 13 to get away from my dad. back then the thing to do was to send your kids to treatment when they had problems instead of trying to work them out.instead of dealing with a drug problem, i dealt with depression.he broke my tailbone with his boot. my dad.i was medicated for a long time.it made me feel numb to the world. i wanted to feel free and have my ups because i feel sky high when i do. i think everyday about going back on them, so my daughter doesnt have to see me at my low..yesterday was a very bad day..i went to see someone, then i chickened out. i have not had very good experiences with shrinks. they always tear me down.i know they are supposed to but i just cant handle the truth right now.
No matter what some ass like Tom Cruise might say... there are such things as chemical imbalances. We aren't the person we truly are meant to be if our brain isn't functioning correctly. If medication is what's needed, then think about it. All it's supposed to do is get your body to function correctly so you can focus on you, and dealing with whatever needs to be dealt with. There are often side effects in the beginning, because your body isn't at all used to functioning properly.
If you had high blood pressure, or diabetes, you'd take the medication you needed, right? This is no different. Part of you body isn't working the way it's supposed to, and it needs help. That's all. There's nothing crazy about it, or you. There's no more shame in taking this type of medication than there would be in taking high blood pressure medication.
Your truth is your own. We all try to hide from ourselves at some point. Unfortunately, we're the only ones who know all the hiding places. The doc isn't trying to tear you down, just to tear down the wall so you can build yourself up to the person you are meant to be.
My mother is bipolar. That sort of thing wasn't discussed or diagnosed in those days. I never knew who I'd be coming home to after school, so I never brought friends home. When she was up, she was perfect. When she wasn't, it was a nightmare. My most vivid memories of my childhood are not the fun stuff I did, nor of the friends I had, but of my mother and how much I hated her. She didn't have any way to get help... you do.
I know I'm a stranger, but I am here if you need me.
Also, LilRed, in addition to what J&O says, all of which makes lots of sense so PLEASE listen--
The sex thing could be you trying to self-medicate. Sex hits the pleasure centers of the brain the same way that drugs or fatty foods do. That could be why you're craving it.
You can be free of this horribly debilitating disease. Many people are pulling for you and your daughter.
i love you ubsermilf
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