feeling senti(mental)

I miss the man I used to love
I dont think about this much
because of all the bad things said between us
but he asked me a question today
and here is my answer

it sits deep within me
because I dont want to be feeling these feelings again
for someone that will never return them
because the pain
will damage me
so i block them out
but today they came back


I went there today
as I do everyday
to drop off our precious daughter

he asked me to help him shut the cellar door
I did
I shouldnt have
when I bent down beside him
I could smell his scent
not cologne
or aftershave
just him

I wanted at that moment
to hold him
and cry
for all that we lost
from all that we had
to what we dont have now

its been three years
since I moved out of our house
and I miss it everyday

miss the smell of our room
the lilac bushes in the yard
the darkness of the night

I picked the house by myself
when our daughter was one week old
the realtor picked me and my baby up to go look at itwhile he was at work
I fell in love
the perfect first house
for my daughter and my love
he looked at it that night
and felt the same way

there was another offer
more than we bid
but the owners were a young sweet couple with a little girl
and another on the way
and they picked us
because they wanted us to feel the same things they did in the house
they put in a new driveway the summer before
and put the baby's handprints and her name in the concrete
olivia 2001
I loved it
I wanted to do the same with our daughter
forever in stone
but I didnt
I was too busy to enjoy the house
working too much
and raising an infant

the first night we stayed there
I cried i was so happy
my life was going so well
I was in love with my boyfriend and my baby
in our new house(something I never thought id have)
in the morning i went outside
to sit on the deck and watch the sun come up
that was my moment
I will forever remember that moment
as my happy day
my family
in our house

six months later
on our way to drop off our daughter at daycare
he tells me(in the car)
he never loved me
I thought I was going to die
right there
in the car
my whole world stopped
my family has broke
I will forever remember that moment
as the worst moment in my life
my dreams of a family unlike my own broken family shattered to peices
on my way to work

I stayed in the house
the same room
the same bed
for six months after this conversation
I had no where to go
and i didnt want to leave
we didnt speak unless it was maddie related
didnt touch
just slept and worked

I cried all the time
he never did
not once
for two years
until finally one day he called
"I cried"
"I miss you"
" I really did love you"

my heart is still damaged
im not sure I will ever again be able to give that kind of love to any man
unless its him

I cleaned his house today
because he's been busy
washed his sheets
folded his clothes
and when I was done
I wanted to go lie down in our bed
the bed he bought for me when we were dating because I refused to sleep on his cot
our bed
i didnt though
I kissed my daughter goodnight
got in my car
drove to my apartment
and cried

the rosebushes died
because he didnt take care of them
the dishes dont get done unless i go over there and do them
his sheets dont get washed unless im feeling nice
and my heart wont be fixed
until i move back into my house
and have my family again